So maybe all my life, or at least as far back as I can remember, I felt like I was different than other people.....like I didn't quite fully fit in.....as a young child that was evident in my "nerdy nature", and my overly responsible self, cramping everybody's free spirited antics.....;-). That oldest child thang.......it is strong in me........during elementary school I ran with a little crowd that sort of resembled the Goonies, and we were all trying to find our way.....then in high school I found a zone and felt more accepted than I had ever felt in my whole life.......that acceptance brought me through my early adulthood.......it felt good to belong, to feel like I fit in.........but then that awareness returned, this feeling of being on the outside of a lot of things.....I felt like I always thought about things too deeply..... too intensely......the world felt so heavy to my heart always....the beauty and the sadness........equally gripping me and affecting my heart.......I always longed to have deep conversations with people not feeling comfortable in the land of "small talk"........then when I had Gabe I felt shoved into the ABYSS....so far away from "normal," no normal milestones in sight, no typical play groups, no typical anything......it was a source of great angst for me initially.....it felt wildly unfair that I would not have a typical trip through motherhood......I fought against it initially........I also feel like prior to having Gabe, in that space of my life, I possessed this envy, this envy to just be "normal".....whatever that is right? ;-) However eventually Gabe broke me of envy and brought deep gratitude as a practice and philosophy to my life.....he made me accept what is, stop comparing, stop worrying about what my life looked like vs what other's lives looked like, and he helped me release worrying about what everybody else thinks....and to start paying attention to what I think...... and it was LIBERATING......SO I left that behind quite a few years ago......thank goodness because that stuff just holds us back in our lives.........however something like a DIVORCE, (yuck).....certainly threatens to bring those feelings flooding back......triggers a tsunami of doubt and uncertainty......I don't really know anybody in my circle that is divorced, not a lot of single folks around me.....not a lot of people walking my path.......makes a person look again at that fringe part and try and reconcile where their spot is in the world......being on the "outside looking in" is not a fun place to be......but in that space just as I have grown with being Gabe's mama, I will find room to grow here too.......to embrace the fringe......to hang onto that fringe.......find my own trail.....making it up as I go......not worrying that it doesn't look like other's lives....that it is just mine......I am the CAPTAIN of the ship......DRIVING my own bus......I feel very clearly that I am being lead down a SPIRITUAL path, that each step I take is being lovingly guided......that this path is deeply rooted in those pieces of me and I am finally integrating all of them.......in a way that makes sense.......this time I won't feel that envy return.....it won't take me over......I won't feel as though I am "missing anything".....or that I don't "fit in" especially in pieces of other's lives.....because I will be embracing my OWN journey to my NEW life..........ALL of it.........
jperuso
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