I have such a beautiful tribe that surrounds me at the moment.....such special and generous souls........I glean such wonderful things from each of them and they all give me something different....each and every day.....they give me all the necessary things that I need to sustain me on this journey.....I have a few friends though that I feel like don't totally get it, I can tell this from the well meaning things they say to me.....they find it hard to understand that in lieu of the horror my husband has inflicted on me that I am not just enraged and that it is black and white......like maybe it is easier somehow when somebody behaves badly......and they look at me funny when I try to make sense of it all aloud.......those well meaning people haven't had a divorce or been betrayed in the ways I have, and I know it is hard to imagine unless you have walked a mile....this journey is mine and I am comfortable walking in my truth even if not everybody understands......however it is so not black and white, it is so not simple, it is so not anything on any given day, or moment for that matter......it is a roller coaster.....one minute I feel strong and it seems simple, and sort of like it could almost be black and white, and the next it is so complicated, and I am feeling so much in all directions, and I am missing my husband from long ago......or the one in between.......or maybe both.......it is sometimes all of it all at once.....and then how do you let go???......If you know please tell me how........how do you let go of a person you have been journeying with for 20 years? A person that has been in your life nearly every moment for all those years......I have spent nearly 7,300 days with this man.......yeah right? Hard to believe......and now I have now spent 33days apart.......and while many of those new moments are purely exhilarating, peaceful, and even a little bit exciting..........many of those moments are just so so sad......so empty, the absence palpable......I can feel it so deep in my soul, the aching for "my person".......the person that I called home all these years.....he was my home......and to not have access to him in a way that I understand feels very much like how I would feel if I were locked out of my house.....no key in sight......no cozy fire.....no safe spot......out in the cold......and I cannot really fully describe how that feels.......I know that my journey is clearly partially about learning to be a "party of one" and providing all of that for myself....and I am learning it each and every day......but the "letting go" is a brutal process......it is a tearing and shredding of a beautiful life, lovingly put together and harshly taken apart......hard to have both those things live in me at once.......and I know it will fade as time goes on......I am counting on it.....but it doesn't make it any easier.......I am sitting with all of it.....letting it come in.....not fighting it......and then letting it go.........each time.......as it comes.......
jperuso
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