Less alone now........

I feel less alone in my life than I did in the end of my marriage.....which sorta blows my mind because now I am in fact alone, and then I was living with my husband......I have had the habit for as long as I can remember of being fiercely independent and feeling that way most of the time too.....it can be a good feeling in many ways....knowing you can do your own thing and chart your own course, rely on you....... but it can be problematic inside of a marriage.....there were lots of reasons that I became that way over time, not all to do with him or his fault....but a team effort indeed.....not enough leaning and too much dividing and conquering......but toward the end of us I felt super lonely inside my marriage......and most of that part, wasn't my fault.....being lonely in your marriage when your person is right there is the kinda thing that is hard to explain unless you experienced firsthand.....the undercurrent of what was happening consumed him and his attention, and I was left with the scraps.....and sometimes I felt I was getting the attention I so desperately wanted from him, his companionship.....his time.....his effort toward me, but often times I just wasn't,,,,,and I am not sure now looking back at the time that I admitted how often I felt lonely, and I always found reasons to explain it away....."he is working"....."he is busy'....."he is under pressure" but really he was choosing stuff outside of our marriage to focus on....and perhaps if that focus had been put in our direction....fully and truly.....things could have been different.....hard to say.....because I too had tuned out in a way I didn't realize.....because I was so used to being alone.......he worked so much for so many years of our marriage....I had created a life separate and my own outside of he and I.....found ways to pass the time and fill me up, while he was gone........so pretty soon we both sort of needed one another but didn't know how to find each other......for very different reasons......so now that deep loneliness has left me....even though I am alone a lot.....I mean with kids.....but you know what I mean....no other adult around and yet I don't feel the lonesome feelings I would feel when I was yearning for him to do what I needed him to do.....or thought I needed him to do.....or anything at all........I guess the expectation and the let down of it was what amplified that feeling, and now there is no more room for me to feel that way.....I know what to expect and maybe that makes me less lonely.....I often marvel at the fact that I don't feel lonely in our big house.....he only slept away from home in our 20 years a few times and I didn't love it.....never felt scared....but never felt right when he wasn't here at night.....and now....it is not an issue at all? And hasn't been since the night he left...... It is so weird the adjustments our minds and bodies make when we have to.....what we can adapt to......what things can become OK with in the spirit of them needing to be......and sometimes I worry about me...... I have crafted such a skill set of independence and protecting myself, and not letting my guard down too often.......that maybe it will be hard for me to share my life again with somebody.....to take off my armor and just let go......it is my work to do for sure.....to find ways to be more vulnerable in terms of letting somebody love me and letting them in.......of leaning in.......being so strong has most definitely saved me......but I am aware of my need to let others in and let people help me more often than I do......and certainly as it would pertain to loving again.....hindsight is a beautiful thing.....not to lament about the past, but to prepare for your future.......