I am often struck by how much harder what has happened is on me than him.....like truly......in nearly every single way........he left without a second glance while I stayed behind to pick up the pieces.....every single one of them......but truth is I am not bitter in the way one would expect me to be.......because there isn't another place on this earth I would rather be, right here with my kids.....here healing their hearts.....here basking in their glorious and magnificent love.......truly the greatest gift there is.........but there is one thing that does make it really crystal clear that even though we are dealing with the loss of our marriage, from very different sides and positions in this world, I have ALL of the SPACE to absorb......every bit of what was between us.......I didn't leave on a Thursday night and replace " my person" with a NEW person......so my space is deafening....... vast in nearly every way.......very noticeable and sometimes really empty.......and his was instantly filled and substituted by another......he did not need to feel that space, not for one solitary second.........if you really think of such a thing it is sort of a mind blowing thing to wrap your head around without warning.....on a Thursday night.....See I was used to another for nearly every day of my life for almost 20 years......that is a LONG time.....thousands of phone calls......millions of texts......billions of words......SO many memories........and so much companionship..........tons of all that happens when people share a life.........and to lose all access to "your person" in one moment is quite a profound adjustment to learn to make.....in an instant.........even if you believe it was for the best ultimately........sometimes I feel more acclimated to that space than I really am, other times I have to wrestle that space and I get hit with a strong wave of the absence......and the longing to have just a conversation with "MY person"....about our life that has ended.....or OUR KIDS........thing is he is no longer "MY person" and absolutely should not be......his spirit and mine are on different paths now in nearly every single way, and are more different than I could ever imagine.......and in that vastness, there are uncomfortable feelings that come to find me......pleading with me to deal with them.......and I do........every single time......I would venture to say that even if somebody spent that amount of time with a person they didn't even really like all that much, that space would be deafening, disorienting in nearly every single way....... but to have the experience I had of enjoying the space with my person, enjoying it quite a bit...... that space becomes a cavernous echo....at least for now.....however what I have learned about that space is that it is empty and should stay empty for a reason.......that space doesn't need to be filled up just to have it filled.......or maybe it never does.....the other vast difference is that I am healing in that space, doing the work, embracing the journey......finding the joy stuff to fill that space....the stuff that makes my heart sing and makes my heart happy.....the stuff that makes ME ME.....that helps bring me to the new Jenn in this life....for the rest of my life! YAY ME:):) It is exciting to not feel the need to find a guy to fill that echo up....to be OK with not being OK sometimes, being OK with being wildly uncomfortable and accepting it....... and standing in that space he left......and finding the best way to reinvent it! Taking the measurements, make plans to do some redecorating;-) The best way to remodel that square footage of my life for the greater good.....for our greater good......
jperuso
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