There is a lot coming up for me at the moment.....last year during this next week was when Nick went into quarantine and remained there until after New Years..... and now based on the fact that he left four days after I am guessing much of what I believed to be true was not true.....not even sure what to think about all of that......the holiday was so challenging.....I spent it alone with the kids....my parents could not even come because we believed we had been exposed to COVID, and were unsure if we were going to get sick.....and now here I am the week of Christmas sitting in the exact same spot it seems.......Gabe is sick....but not dreadfully sick, so I am hopeful it may be some other crud! Fingers crossed......will be getting him tested tomorrow. BUT if it is COVID then my holiday from last year will be on repeat.....and we will be alone.......and well......sigh.......I am trying hard to not spin into that.....there is no point in a real sense and life isn't fair......it just isn't.....and I think after this year I could write a book just on that......but that always brings me back to the idea of justice? What is it? I certainly don't deserve anything more than anybody else.....so ultimately it is all moot......but damn it does make me feel some kinda way to not have the Christmas I wanted to have....this was a big one.....I wanted to erase the pain and suffering of the last Christmas and really do this one up......and now I may not be able to......I may be sick for it....hard to say.......and when I travel back in time and thinking of all that happened to me last year this time at his hands......my sense of justice goes off the rails......like in all the ways.....makes my hair stand on end when I think of it all, especially considering I feel so much of it was lies and not true in any real sense.......so what I wrote about yesterday......choosing center instead conjecture....must ring true again today......Gabe is not too sick and I am so grateful......Mads and I are fine.......we had so much fun last night while Gabe rested.......I am making cookies today......I am healthy and strong in mind, body, spirit......and that is all I can ask for TODAY......so having a pity party.......albeit a small one isn't going to serve me......because I do not know what will be REAL a week from now, and that pity party, if I indulge it, will ruin my peace and happiness in the now......so while pity parties feel kinda good sometimes.....justified somehow......they are never fruitful.....and I am grateful I am the kinda chick that doesn't indulge them too often......Today I will take care of my sick kiddo, pull all my magic out to nurse him back to health, today I will bake cookies with my girl, today I will remain faithful in all things, today I will appreciate what I am given, not what is expected, today I will enjoy the present, today I WILL......do all of that and more:)
jperuso
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