So I believe in karma.......I truly believe what we put out into this world is reflected back.....that the lives we live, perhaps the quality of the joy we find has to do with many of our actions.....we don't get to decide the heavy stuff that befalls us but we do get to make choices in our days that translate into a life.....I also believe our treatment of others comes back to us.....tenfold.......and if I rattled off my laundry list of offenses, horror and mean spirited acts that have come to me by way of my husband here, you would gasp, shake your head, and not really believe it......because sometimes I still don't......but along those lines I have to be so careful to think too hard about his karma......the stuff that has visited him already and what might be yet to come......because even though I am not the one doling it out, making it so......it feels "revengeish".......and that is slippery territory when you are trying to summon your highest self at every turn......not a place I want to slip into.......but the validation that comes knowing that what he thought his life would be like and what it is now like...... are two very different things is so hard to resist......and I try really hard not to spend too much time there......because at the end of the day I am not a person that cheers as others suffer.....no matter what they have done....it is just not me.......and doesn't come easily or naturally.........and I am glad......because the karma vengeance thing could easily sweep a person up when you have been through what I have been.....just senseless and selfish horror.....that touches all the most personal parts of a life....MY life......so to wish for him to get what "he deserves"........is not really in line with where I am headed in this life......and the idea of deserving? That is a whole rabbit hole in it of itself......my core belief on that is we don't deserve anything.....and should be grateful for everything.....I am no more worthy of some amazing windfall than another.......but when it comes to the actions we choose.....especially when they are awful and heartless.......what do we deserve??? That is a question that I know is not up to me to answer.......revenge is not for me.....I have not doled out any revenge by my hands......trusting the Universe has it worked out.....but it is in the waiting for it to show up that I struggle with......I didn't set the chain of events in motion.....and me being a spectator in it is not my fault.......but the hoping for karma to visit and the awareness that it has in so many aways gives me a sign to pause.....to not get too comfortable wanting those things......wanting the Universe to exact my revenge.....that is the same as wanting to do stuff yourself in my mind......and my goodness it is SO HARD not to want some of that when I have been hurt so deeply........and it is a battle I wage within myself to always seek the Jenn that has deep compassion for pain.....even if self inflicted......the one that loves even when it is hard.......the one that feels sorry for people easily.......that doesn't want anybody to suffer or hurt even if they have brought it upon themselves......because ultimately I know with my whole heart that HURT people HURT people.....so the horror that found me was on the wings of another's deep pain inside themselves......even though they chose it......now I don't ever give him a pass on what he has done or just chalk it up to his pain in the past........but I do know it came from a place in him.....one I don't understand....and one I don't have in me........so I have to be careful in that area......because I know....he has likely been suffering a lot longer than I ever knew......so it leaves me in this place......this place where I can't allow myself to get comfortable looking for his karma.....but where I acknowledge that I am human.....and it is a natural response after all I have endured.....and how do I navigate them both???......I guess the most important part is to remain conscious in it.....to remain in a place where I check myself......the place where I let that piece go......and know what happens to him moving forward is not my business in a real sense.....and continue to honor my own pain.....and try and be aware of my own karma.....putting stuff I am really proud of out into the world......continue to thrive and improve my own life each and every day......my energy is much better spent doing that.......doing things in my life that feel good......that enhance my life and that of my kids and try not to worry about the rest.....but as karma and vengeance step forward to be examined.....I honor their place in this story and do my best to let them go in my day to day.....
jperuso
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