JOY matters.........

I have been finding my joy these days.......things that make me happy, that make me smile......make me laugh. I have been finding that joy in the people that surround my journey, in new hobbies, in new interests, in the choices I make in my day to day and it most definitely matters.......finding JOY matters.......like real soul touching joy........and I have had it along the way in my life.......a lot, I have been blessed......and I had felt joy in my marriage too.......but there comes a point I suppose where you and your partner stop sparking that joy button in one another.....at least as often as you should..........and it got me to thinking that sometimes things are better left ending because something happens between two people that changes what they begin to evoke in one another.....what parts they bring out.......and I understand that now.......sometimes........in recent times......I did not like the sides of me that came out in my marriage, the version of me that stepped up to be there in a moment.......or in a space in my marriage.......that girl felt heavy.......burdened by so many things.........shorter tempered........stressed.......sad..........and I kept trying to get her to step aside so I could find JOY again........and it was getting harder and harder to find.......and I think you begin to accept that maybe that is what it is? Right? Nobody is inside anybody else's marriage, so nobody knows what it is supposed to look like? Do people have lots of joy in their marriages? Especially long lasting ones? What does their love look like? Do they push the buttons in each other where beautiful versions of them step forward in the day to day? Or do the sides of themselves that they don't like as much come out? Nobody knows.......I certainly didn't know.......so in the spaces where my less desirable Jenn showed up.........being coaxed from me, pulled from me on the harder days it made me wonder........wonder why she felt the need to show up.....to be there......and I really wanted her to go away.........not come anymore.......but she felt called to come more than I wanted her to.........and on the days when the softer side of me came.....the gentler side......the happier side came out.......I was always relieved to see her and know she still existed.......Like "hey girl" where you been??? And In thinking about all of this.......... it made me wonder how we touch each other and what we bring out in the people we love........and I am not even sure it is realistic to hope that if love finds me again one day, that that person will always spark my joy.......touch the better parts of me.......evoke the things I am proud of from me........and that the heavy Jenn can lay to rest........I am not sure if that is realistic??? But I would sure like to hold out for a person that sparks JOYFUL Jenn........that makes me feel more happy than sad.......more peace than angst......more love than insecurity........just more of the good stuff........that is the plan:) In the meantime I am giving all of those things to ME :)