Yesterday's celebration of 1,000 felt like something......truly.....it kinda hit me hard as I thought of it all........and as it has been approaching it has felt like a milestone I wanted to accomplish......since I post the number of the blog daily....I saw it coming up in the distance......and I was kind of amazed that I have gotten to this point.....but more than this blog, that number truly represents so much to me.....because some other things happened alongside of that....like I said in my post yesterday.....it also represents 1,000 workouts.....and how long it has been since I decided to love myself and be good to me too amid the rest......to be more intentional about taking care of me.....1,000 days beyond my marriage and living my new life......that part fading into the dust left in its wake......and I guess it also represents my new understanding of consistency in my own life....and the power of that simple shift....and by simple I do not mean it is easy for any of us to do.....it was never easy for me to be completely consistent about anything in my old life.....but I have come to learn it is where magic happens....and yesterday I was wondering again about its source.....because I am consistent with so much now in my life where I wasn't before?? And in the beginning what drove me some was proving myself, to me and everybody else that I could do it alone, and not letting him destroy me....in fact feeling I needed to do quite the opposite and thrive.....sort of like "you are not going to find me ever where you left me kinda vibes"....and I did that......so that helped fuel my journey some...but it was more than that......it was channeling the lack of control I felt in every single part of my life into the places I could........it was taking the energy and love I poured into him, and my marriage and channeling it elsewhere.....it was channeling my scattered thoughts, emotions, and feelings into something tangible.....using this blog as a release valve.....releasing some of the pressure bit by bit......instead of lashing out in the beginning....opening my computer and letting my fingers say what my heart needed to........choosing to run or workout, when I felt my insides would burst from the magnitude of all that I was feeling.....so that is is what drove that part....but now I sit here and was thinking yesterday what drives me today.....so much does, and in lots of ways it comes from a different source.....but sometimes it still comes from those other places.....it is my desire to rise above my circumstance...no matter what.......to own my story, craft my narrative, write my experience.....it is wanting to feel healthy and strong....my therapist and I have discussed many times the correlation that has been proven between a strong body leading to a stronger mind.....that they go hand in hand....so every weight I lift, or squat I do, helps me feel stronger in my overall being.....and I don't share this to say I have it figured it out....or toot my horn.....please do not misunderstand.....I share first and foremost to say this was never me before and if I can do this anybody can.......and I am also sharing this again....for any new readers....because I see there are some and to say that I found all of this by accident....by filling profound needs in my soul during my darkest times....out of sheer desperation......and it is forever my hope that when I share.....or in different ways.....or at different points of somebody else's journey.....my words will hit somebody in a way that they can be heard and felt, and somebody else can find some of what I have on the other side......a new way of being and living in their own story....a way that will help to bring gifts to their life. That is my prayer and hope every day....and this blog has given me the platform and voice to do that.....for myself and for anybody out there that needs to hear it too! It is Wednesday! Halfway there:) Enjoy the day!
jperuso
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