That may very well be one of the biggest lessons learned in this for me.......even though every single thing that has been done to me feels REALLY personal........like REALLY......most didn't have anything to do with me at all......just a reflection in a pool.......of the internal struggle that rages on inside of him.....I am beginning a book, on Chapter 4......and some of it requiring me to go back to really painful moments in the aftermath and the beginning of this road.....the remembering of choices he made in the face of my pain.....and when I remember them, it would be easier to be angry at him......to get locked into that space of hatred for what he subjected me to. But that isn't a space that serves anybody and it doesn't get to the heart of it.......the fact that all of that stuff had nothing to do with me....... One time that came up as I was writing was when I went to find him about a week after he left. He wasn't answering me via text and I was in so much pain. I felt I had to talk to him. I was off and meeting with a lawyer. I went to his work and texted him that I was outside. He came out. I was wild with pain and suffering. Standing there wild eyed, crying, yelling, shaking........ like a wounded animal, and pouring my heart out. Trying to make some sense of it all. I saw the horror come across his face at the pain he had caused in me, I saw the pain in him mirrored back in my pain.......but that space didn't remain, he could not tolerate it....... and he gave into anger to dull it and came back at me with rage. Saying stuff he didn't mean, that I certainly didn't deserve, all in an effort to deflect it. I carry hurt from that day.....as I would not have the spot in me that could do that to another human, especially one that was so clearly suffering as I was.......however I am reminded that as personal as that day felt and the many others that came after that........it just wasn't.......that ugliness that he poured out onto me, is a direct reflection of what resides within him in this space and time.....and as much as he needs to be accountable for his actions, and I hope we can one day discuss all of it......I also am keenly aware that I am so fortunate that I don't carry that much pain around inside of me, pain I would spew into the world, or worse yet onto the people that loved me most of all......and I think when you reach the place where you don't allow things to poke you anymore, provoke you, offend you.......you hit a new level of freedom.......a place where you can be peaceful and free.......free to know that most of what people do is their own internal struggle......it truly is.....so I am not choosing to take any of what he says or does, that does not come from a genuine place personally anymore......especially the ugly parts.......I sometimes wonder what he would say, if I had a time machine to travel back, maybe four years......and tell him all of what he will do in the future.......share the things he says......the things he chooses......all that he loses.......what would he say.......the person I had always known would have been horrified.......similar to the horror I have seen on his face more than once at himself.......and again in writing this, despite it all, it just makes me feel bad for him.......I have never done anything close to the stuff he has to another human in my entire life, and cannot imagine living under the weight of it, all of my days.......like a living walking prison cell........one of his own making.....but still........my heart feels for him sometimes.......when I think of what he will have to live with for the rest of his life.....wondering if it all comes to haunt him in his quiet moments.......I have learned he is not ready to hear my truth......so when we see each other I don't share......don't provoke the ugliness.....there is no point......as I always say maybe one day he can be brave enough to own his part in this story.......the truth........and maybe not.......but whether he does or he doesn't no longer has to do with me......and everything to do with him.....who he wants to be in this world.....how he wants to show up.....and it isn't personal......it just isn't..........
jperuso
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