Somewhere along the way, in all the turmoil, all the pain, all of the suffering, and all the heartache I found contentment and peace........my soul feels really peaceful these days.......that is not to say that things don't come to challenge that peace, or there are not things that upset me or trigger my grief BUT, most days I feel pretty darn peaceful........and if I get jangled my peace finds me soon after.........it is never too far away.........I have been wondering where that level of contentment and peace has come from........I have sought it most of my life to no avail, and in the not seeking it has sought me..........found me in my trial and washed over me.......I wake up each day excited to meet the day and content in what it will hold for me.......and it is so humbling and beautiful to walk in that space.......the space of not needing, the space of not feeling angst, of not feeling that I need or want for anything at all.......just a keen and beautiful awareness that in any given moment I have all I really ever will need and always did........right within my own skin........my OWN mind, body, and soul.......because I think my newfound peace and contentment arrived through finally learning to fully love myself and accept myself.......all of me.......exactly as I am............and ironically all of my life I had extended that level of love and acceptance to others over and over again.......and the gift of that was lost on them, not treasured, not used in a way that made the difference it was intended to......but for me I was always way harder on myself than I needed to be.......harder on me than I was on anybody else........and in that spirit I left myself feeling as if I fell short or somehow wasn't good enough.........and I think I may have figured out how to finally lay that nonsense down........and just accept and love myself where I meet myself each and every day.......I wish I could explain the stillness and peace that has found my soul, it is palpable to me........it is lovely and so amazing.....it feels better than anything I have ever felt in my whole life............I am hoping people feel it when they are in my presence now........that sense of peace and contentment......that I can share it with others........I think I have been able to share it with my kids.....I see peace in them much of the time now, even though their hearts remain broken.......but they too seem content in their days........I have no desire to fight, change, or fix the situation at hand........only accept what is........it just is.....and in that acceptance most certainly comes peace.......and each day I am seeking to try and navigate it all while keeping my peace firmly in place.......not willing to sacrifice it for anything......not allowing it to go too far out of my sight.......it is way too valuable to me.......I have been on a quest my whole life to find it, and I will never let it go again........not ever........if anyone or anything threatens it, it is not meant to be a part of my story.......it just isn't........it truly is well with my soul, it just is.........:)
jperuso
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