Each and every day it is getting easier to accept that this is my new life.....to accept what has happened......to not let the shock and awe overtake me, to just breathe......and BE......and in the acceptance comes awareness........awareness that sometimes the most courageous thing we can do is just let go........just let things be as they are......not try and hold out for them to change.....there are things I still hold out hope for in the future of my new relationship with my husband as a co parent.....things I wish for......but I am also feeling more realistic these days and accepting if things never change.....if they just remain as they are......then that will have to be Ok too............and acceptance is not the same as resignation.....I have not given in to the inevitable because perhaps it isn't inevitable.....perhaps.........but it is getting easier to blaze a trail in my own life without worrying about what comes or doesn't......and the tentacles of my old life don't grab hold near as much.....they don't reach out and grab me as I journey AHEAD......I don't feel them tugging at me as much anymore..........I don't feel like them yanking me backward as I get out of reach of them......it is almost as if some days my old life was a dream and I have been awake long enough to have the feeling and memory of some of it fade into the background of my days and life.......like I almost can't retrieve it in the same way......and I certainly don't have access to the Jenn of once upon a time very much anymore......she is long gone......she has merged with the new.....the things I could keep about her sweet ways I have.......but some of it had to be let go in the carnage and horror......and I have accepted that too......that there will forever be a before Jenn and an after......there just will be.......the two cannot be ever fully one........in the beginning of this it all felt so so uncomfortable.......like I would never make it......sort of like what boot camp must feel like....disorienting and intense......then as I learned the ways of it all.....and got stronger.....and started training my mind and body to withstand the discomfort it got easier.......I learned what I could take.....what level of discomfort I could withstand......and I came back at that discomfort facing it.......challenging it......letting it shape me, strengthen me, mold me........and today it is just easier to be me......like coming home.......I don't feel that heavy pain these days.....am not lugging it around or wearing it like a metal suit.....my spirit feels lighter, more like air and I am grateful that the heavy pain part has ended.......as is often the case in grief.....you get to step out of that initial part and leave it behind..........I know there will be hard days ahead.....that my heart will find sadness and pain in unexpected ways......again and again.......for unexpected reasons.....I get it.......but it is without a doubt getting easier.......and I will take it:)
jperuso
Comments