I have always been a fiercely loyal person to those that I love in my life.......like maybe exceptionally so......I take my relationships seriously and my part of the bargain seriously.....maybe it is the Taurus in me or maybe it is just me......and when I think back my loyalties have rarely been matched in return or reciprocated by any of the people in my life.........but most definitely not matched in those I have been in love with in this life.........sadly........and there is not anything I would not do for those that I love.......Nick said that in our wedding video, that that is what he loved most about me.......still true to this day.......before the end of our marriage, I went to great lengths, and had my loyalty or my ride or die nature tested intensely.......and I stepped right up in the face of infidelity and pledged to be loyal and true.......to try and fix my marriage even though my loyalty had not been matched.......not even close.....and while I always thought he was loyal to me, I can clearly see now that loyalty is not in him.......it just isn't........never was..............and it is a missing piece indeed.....and I think it lacks in lots of folks......they can easily turn on somebody out of convenience, selfishness, or need.........sometimes I would be sitting somewhere where some ladies were venting about their husbands.......and sharing stuff......and I would just remain quiet, feeling our stuff was best kept our stuff......and that painting the one you love in their best light is always the best rule of thumb.......and when I think of that and think of my level of loyalty I fear I will never find it in this lifetime.......somebody to match that in me........my honesty is true.......I don't lie or deceive people.........and will I ever find a person that can do the same?.........people are dishonest by nature........I am finding......too afraid to say what they mean.......or worse yet mean what they say........I know from my marriage that in the future I will not listen so closely to rhetoric and words, and pay much more attention to actions......and behavior........I think one of the worst things I could ever be classified as is a liar........that would be devastating to me.......yet it isn't shameful to most people.......they just lie away with no worries about whether people trust them or not.......and it makes me feel like an alien.......like I am alone on honesty island......and that true blue folks don't exist in the world these days.......too many things to grab their attention.......distract them from people and their relationships........or obligations.......and it is so sad to me........my husband's dishonesty and deception will be the downfall of his life.....no question.............the choice to sacrifice his loyalty to me and to our children........and just lie endlessly will be something that I think will stay with him for life.........and again I hope he comes to the error of all of that, understanding how huge it all is........but am not sure he can.......his hole is deep and wide and will take enormous grit to climb out of ...........not sure if he can..........as I travel ahead I will continue to pledge my loyalty and honesty to those in my life, and be true to me........and pray that maybe some day there is somebody out there that can match that in me.......and maybe for the first time in my life somebody will have my back like I have theirs..........maybe.......
jperuso
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