It is such a great word right? Intimacy.........it conjures a lot of notions about what it means to be intimate with another human......one of the greatest gifts we have been given......I did the math and it has been approximately 840 days since I have been physically intimate with another human.....the last time with my ex inside of my marriage.........that is a long time......a long time to not share that kind of space with somebody....a long time to not be touched.....a long time.....and I trust that when the time is right I will know and that will change........I am proud of reserving that part of myself for something that is right, and something that matters, and not giving in to the rest........because being touched is a basic human need....make no mistake about it........I now understand that deeply........it is not a luxury......it is like drinking, eating, and sleeping......all of it.....and being deprived of it so exquisitely, so abruptly, and for so long has been challenging......challenging in ways that are hard for me to fully articulate or convey......but intimacy is so much more than physical acts between two people......and I have come to learn that on this journey......Despite not being physically intimate with anybody........I have found intimacy in the last two years with people in my life.......deep friendships that fulfill some of that need.......deep conversations.....places where I am able to be open and honest.......and be me.....and learn their stories and share mine......I have created intimacy and a deeper understanding with myself too......spiritually, mentally, emotionally.......all of it.......knowing myself as I would a person I would have a relationship with, and you know what that is so profound and important.....and my conscious choice to not dive into a relationship after my marriage, or a series of them just to attempt to fill a spot or need, was one of the things I will remain forever proud of long term when I look back......remaining alone and being uncomfortable sometimes in it, and allowing that discomfort to be there has yielded gold......we must feel.....all of it......even the stuff we don't want to.......and in the spaces where our human shows;-) is where the magic happens.....where we can ask ourselves big questions.....like why am I feeling this way? Or why is this so uncomfortable? What is this trying to tell me? What can I do to travel through this space to the other side in a healthy way? All of it........now besides the need that lives inside of me, and I am not afraid to admit that..............being physically intimate with another human still scares me......because I do not take that lightly......never have......have always reserved that for men that mattered to me.......deeply enough to share myself that way......and now despite being very growed up lol:) I haven't shifted my stance on that......and I suppose when the time is right and it finally happens, it will be another milestone.....just like the rest of what I have traveled through........but for now......I am sitting with the discomfort of the need, and willing to do the work surrounding it.......and asking myself the tough questions......and remaining true to myself and who I am......no matter what........even when it is challenging.......especially then:)
jperuso
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