I just woke from a dream....the ones I have had, and written about along the way.....they are ones with my ex.....and with my recognizing him in them....the him I thought I knew......and feeling him being real so deeply....like he came from his house a few miles away, and visited me in my mind.....and I haven't had one in awhile.....and I am not sure what brought it to my doorstep....but they always leave me feeling kind of strange and jangly for a minute.....I don't remember much of this one......except for the end of it.....he was hugging me, and telling me how much he loved me, and how sorry he was....and that he regretted leaving.....and that everything was going to be OK....that piece was weird....I do not think I was envisioning reconciling in the dream....and I certainly never do in real life.....there would be nothing that could reconcile my marriage.....or my relationship with him beyond friendship and co parenthood......but I understand why I dream of us talking, and having some kind of conversation that makes sense.....and I think what spoke to me right after I woke up, was feeling secure....a feeling of security, and maybe relief....relief that he said he was sorry and got it fully......and I am sure it is my sub conscious working that out....having things left between us so abruptly and horridly....and I have given up long ago in this story the notion of getting an apology, or any satisfaction within that realm......but.....I do know, quite well, that there is a place in me that will yearn for that always.....even though I have been healing and forgiving without it.......and I challenge that part of me that quietly holds out for that.....the part that believes he feels some of those things, but won't ever say them......I have known him very well in my life beyond the not knowing of him part;-) and I suspect he has a lot to say to me....stuff he is not able to due to his current situation....and so these dreams come.....so vivid....and real.....and bringing with them some of the unresolved stuff, even 3.5 years later....see that is the thing about these things......people expect people to be fully "over" stuff within a finite timeline....and when journeys come with such trauma, and such huge circumstances, that isn't how it works.....it just isn't......for me I have found that the healing and grief from the end of my marriage just occupies a much smaller part of my life.....it had been huge initially in the aftermath, and has shrunk and shrunk to be this tiny part.....but it is indeed a part of me....there is no denying that.....and it will likely be that way for sometime I think....and I have accepted it....not fighting it....I know the whales that swim in my depths....and I know that having sightings of them from time to time is normal....as they come to the surface to catch their breath.......and I am open to hearing what they want to say to me, so I can move beyond it........every time......I am super excited today, I have my 30th high school reunion tonight! It should be great fun:) Happy Saturday!
jperuso
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