Infidelity........

So I wrote about this early on......devoted a whole blog entry to it and felt it was time to circle back around and check in on how I am feeling about it......I am still very much convinced that infidelity is one of the most damaging things you can do to another human.....that when you decide to be unfaithful to your partner in this life, that it comes carrying an enormous amount of trauma and pain that you are inflicting on your partner......I also feel that anybody that has had this come to visit them is never the same again.....not ever..........I messaged with a woman last night who had a similar thing happen to her, and her wound is fresh........ and I could feel her pain just as closely as I have felt my own......and the words she used to express the pain she is in is very much the ones I have used myself.......so what is it about it that makes it so damaging??...... for me it was never about the physical acts that he shared with the other woman.....it was always pretty simple.....it was the deep betrayal.....when your soul connects with another.....decides to join forces to do life.......creating babies with that human, sharing the deepest and most intimate parts of life and yourself with them....... and then that person betrays you in such a deep and profound way....... the free fall is endless.......I remember in the days following the days I discovered his betrayals.......just being like some kind of refugee in a foreign land....unable to think.....to function......just sort of existing in this place of shock and awe......of disbelief.....that this man.......THIS man, that I absolutely adored could do this to me?? Your brain doesn't even know how to make sense of such an absurdity......but yet it exists....... It is such a deep offense....and if you read about it....which I have done plenty of......there is evidence to support just that......the havoc and destruction it wages on people's lives from within their homes....their safe places on this earth.....and maybe that is part of it too...your home.....your spouse.....should be your soft place to land in this intense world, and upon discovering that that isn't true, it sends you spinning into no man's land.......no soft place to land......just the abyss.......I think the other part that becomes hard to come to terms with, are all of the lies and all of the deception....and the replay of all the things you believed to be one way when in fact that wasn't how they were at all.....and the depths a person is capable of going to, to maintain a relationship outside of yours.......it is startling really, and damaging in ways that are hard to describe.......then it leads to questioning what was real about the life you shared and what wasn't.....who is this person really???? versus who you thought they were, and before you have even give yourself permission to enter....... the rabbit hole begins......and I think it stays with a person always.....all of their days.....and in the beginning I felt my trust issues would never leave, but I don't quite feel that way now.......I have seen my instincts take hold.....and they are stronger than they have ever been, and I feel they will guide me moving forward, and that I don't have to live in a place where I cannot trust again.....I just will most definitely be discerning with that trust......so many of my feelings are the same as when I examined this early on.....but I think there is a new piece that I have discovered.....and that piece is that for the person committing the betrayal......they are never free again.....they too must live under the weight of it, whether they want to or not......they must carry the burden of what they have done all of their days.......I have seen the weight he is carrying manifested in every part of his life.....and it is profoundly obvious.........and it used to feel like it was just me carrying the weight of it all....but I have since learned, by the things I have witnessed, that that is not the case......the weight is very different for the both of us......but it is all heavy......the difference is I have learned to set most of mine down........find a place to put it away........not allow it to plague my days......or poison my soul.......I have cut the cord from its direct impact on me.......however it will remain a piece of me......a place in me that saw what another human is capable of.....my human.......the one I trusted more than any other person in this life.......and I saw what he was capable of.....very clearly.......and I can never unsee that.......never.....and it is a cautionary tale indeed.....what people are capable of when they are serving themselves....their own needs....their own desires above all else......but in that cautionary tale doesn't need to remain one where I can never trust again......I guess that is the difference......this time around in examining my heart on this subject I can see that I won't have to live in the shadow of his infidelity forever.......I now believe there is a fiercely loyal man out there......one that honors the things I do in this life......one that desires what I do......one that loves like I do......ALL IN.......ride or die: I can feel that now, and know that......and when the time is right our paths will cross.......I believe that......and my life will never be the same again, but for far better reasons:)