I think I have always been a fiercely independent woman to a great degree.....always relying heavily on myself and my power in this life.....and feeling comfortable making my own decisions for my life and not necessarily having them tied up in somebody else. It is one of the mistakes I believe I made in my marriage......I was too independent......not willing to lean in times I maybe should have......I created an impression of myself, that he received loud and clear, that I didn't really need anything and that I would always be strong enough.....always be alright.....always be all the things.......and so he didn't feel needed in the ways that maybe he wanted to be needed by me.....and even though I have needed to be this way in my life.....to survive it all......it is a good skill to soften some and lean into a human and let them help you......or let yourself need another human some, be vulnerable......even though it is dangerous......allowing yourself to do that creates a dependency of sorts that leaves you disorientated when it is gone......and I spoke of my dear friend, the one that I am letting go of right now.....and I realized that perhaps for one of the first times in my life I leaned into him some......letting myself rely on him to ease some of the burden I had in this walk......and it was good practice.......to learn how to be more vulnerable and feel caught....seen......heard.......but now as I separate my life from his, I am keenly aware that my full independence in my new life has arrived.......I am here.......on my own fully and blazing my new trail........and there is such a dance between those places for me.....being independent in life and being vulnerable....enough.......being able to allow people in.....allow them to help you........to support you.......and I know I will need to learn how to do it better in my next relationship.......lay down my sword and armor and be more vulnerable......and truth is it is kinda terrifying to think of......my armor and sword have served me well.....protecting me whenever I have needed it........I have been able to rely heavily on that......and my faith......my faith and my armor.......both hand in hand......so when you have been traumatized as I have been by betrayal.....it is not so simple to allow people in.......not so straightforward.......and heartache is like no other pain, in my opinion......sometimes throughout it, I wished for physical pain of some sort to give me a break from it......seemed preferable somehow.......because heartache's span is deep and wide......all encompassing......so the idea or risk of enduring it again......after you have been hurt as I have is one that can be a little overwhelming......I don't fear much these days.....as I have come to trust my journey........but getting my heart broken may top the list of things I would like to avoid if possible LOL ;-) Although I know I can endure whatever comes.......if I could survive and thrive in the face of the end of my marriage then indeed I can survive any other heartache that comes to find me in this life.......so as this year has presented an opportunity to become more independent......in so many ways.....and as I now find myself becoming even more so......I will have to temper the comfort I find there......the seductive nature independence has over me......at the risk of becoming TOO independent and having trouble, when the time comes with laying all those things down......and leaning in........
jperuso
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