I watched it last night. Haven't seen it in years. It is the first movie, besides kid ones, that I have watched since he left. Fitting sorta......and the inclination to watch it came to me through a series of random events......and after having been through what I have.....albeit different......it was tough to watch......to see a love shattered in the midst of stuff that shouldn't have been......even things coming with a million dollar price tag.....and it made me think that an indecent proposal was given between Nick and his girlfriend at some point.....some place in the process where the game changed.....the flirting and inappropriateness wasn't enough, and they decided to have their affair......and I am always curious about that moment for him......what it felt like to make a decision to violate our marriage in that way.........I could never do that, no matter what......break my vows.....my commitment to my husband, and intentionally move forward in that way.....it just isn't in me......no matter what.....and in the movie obviously it was different.....it was consensual between all parties.....all of them initially agreeing.....and then as the movie unfolds you see the fallout from that....and that the idea in theory, the idea run by desire, versus the reality of it are two very different things.....and as I watched their love break down and shatter under the weight of what they had done......I could relate......having the affair loom over us was one of the heaviest times in my life......and I desperately wanted to "get over it".......to find a way to heal and move through and put it behind us to live the life we wanted......to forgive him.....extend him compassion for falling down.....for making such a huge mistake......and I was doing a pretty good job from what I knew from my end.....I refrained from throwing it in his face, making him feel small because of it, just trying to love him through it and help him forgive himself..........and I believed that the journey past it was possible if we both worked hard enough to achieve that.....but as I sit here typing this......I am not sure that could have ever been......I remember often times after knowing what he had done.......learning what he was capable of......and looking at him and thinking.......I can't believe he had done that.......how could he......and needing to know the details to quiet my imagination......and in learning the details......at least most, sure there are many I don't know and don't need to know at this point.......absorbing the deep pain that comes alongside that kind of knowledge.....so no winning......just muddied waters......and I just don't think there was a way back for us.....not like the movie on the bench by the beach in the end......watching true love prevail.......as I really had hoped and believed.....I truly believed the love we had forged in fire all these years, would win........ironically young in our relationship......we would use those lines from the movie, "have I ever told you I love you'.........and I was reminded last night too of saying that with him all those years ago......and believing it would be always......and that our love too was invincible......incapable of being penetrated by a force outside of our marriage.....outside of the sacred space we shared........but I was wrong......and as the movie closed and the happy ending was playing out.......it was painful to think of my once upon a time love with him......a fierce love that swept me up in it........felt like some powerful magic.....true in every sense.........in every part of me......until it wasn't......and the spell wore off and the reality sat there starkly looking at me......but my happy ending is no less happy.........to be free of carrying the weight of other's mistakes.....to be free to put my share of the load down....to no longer have to carry stuff that doesn't belong to me......now they can carry it for the rest of their days.....and I am free.......free to move on light and burden free......and that feels pretty damn good:)
jperuso
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