The middle of the night is a profoundly sacred time of night.......it is so quiet, so still......so much of so many things......before all of this I didn't often find myself up in the middle of the night....slept straight through except on the rare night.....or when I was raising babies long ago.......however now I am a regular, up between 3 and 4 most every night.....I am starting to be able to fall back to sleep though recently, but am still now always up for a bit during that time...... but when I do wake at that time.....so much reality comes to find me....something about the darkness, the stillness, that puts a very bright spotlight on your troubles, turns up the volume on your current reality.....makes it all very REAL......for the first week or two I would wake up gripped with full blown anxiety before I even came to......in a panic about my current reality....it was so strange to not even be fully awake yet and have such powerful feelings coursing through my veins.....now I don't have that anymore....there is more peace in my life, more acceptance....but when I awake I feel deep sadness during that twilight time.....sadness as I look into my sweet girl's angelic face as she sleeps soundly......sadness as I look over at the other side of my bed, the empty side, wondering how this has all came to be....how we got here.......how this all happened to our lives.......but even still a part of me enjoys that time....it is my time to process.......my time to "JUST BE"......be still..........the kids are sound asleep, I can free fall through my thoughts and feelings without interruption....without having to do anything but just lay there and let them wash over me........I don't dread that time anymore....I just accept it for what it is........I know that this is a necessary time of my day.....a piece of my healing.....something I just have to come to terms with.....I also know I won't always wake up at this time.....that once again sound sleep will come and find me, that sound sleep will be in my future again....... nothing lasts forever.....all things are temporary, good or bad......had a thought today though that maybe nothing is really good or bad.....we spend a lot of time putting that label on our experiences but am finding some things just ARE......not necessarily good or bad, just a part of our journey.....a place for growth, an opportunity to grow.... at 3am or noon or really any time of day that we choose.......if we are open to it.....if we can accept that space for what it is....not fight it, just surrender to it all......
jperuso
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