In my skin...........

It occurs to me often how different I feel since all of this happened.....like not even the same person I was on that January night in nearly every single way......and maybe when large trauma comes.....shakes you to the core......that is what happens, for better or worse......we change.....but more importantly than changing I think it is the finding of ourselves....and the learning to make peace with the comfort that can be found in our own skin.......I think I have arrived there.....or darn close.......it took me 45 years......lots of heartache.....many trials and tribulations in life, but I think I can honestly say that I am comfortable in my own skin for the first time in my life......even as stressors come......even when things come to threaten that peace.....even then......and what price tag does a gift come like that come with??? There has been a price.......it cost me a lot.....in some ways.....it cost me changing my whole life......embracing that shift.......walking through brutal pain and suffering with my chin up.......and some relationships I had before all of this haven't withstood my transformation......weathered their way here......they just don't understand....and it is OK.....it is not for them......standing in yourself, being authentic, and remaining true to yourself no matter what, is not appealing to some folks.....makes them super uncomfortable......pokes something in them that they don't like.....so they sorta retreat......and it really is OK......I only want people to stay if they really get it.......I haven't lost nearly what I have gained in all of this so it is most definitely a win......with the coming to peace with my own skin and who I am and all of it comes challenges.....because it seems as if at nearly every turn there are people coming into my path that are challenging whether I am really committed to it or not.....and I have to steel myself and stay the course......on repeat.......I have lived a large part of my life being really hard on myself.....like really hard....holding myself to a ridiculous standard and then beating myself up mentally when I fell short.....and that is such a part of my personality.....that internal bar that I set.....it is high.........and it is not gone in my life by any means....but I have transformed the bar somehow, that I have always set for me and found a way to make it work......to drive me to blog, workout, run, meditate, hike.......do all the things in a day without leaving me depleted and taxed.......without leaving room for me to lecture myself about falling short......and if I do fall short to my expectation.....or let myself down in some "perceived" way, I have learned through this to offer myself kindness, not criticism.......we never get better by chastising ourselves.......or others that we love......pointing out people's flaws.......doesn't help them change.......I know that now........for myself and beyond........but being honest is also crucial.......in all ways.....we need to speak our truth.....and not worry about what others think......or how they perceive it......how they take you in......really does have to do with the majority of them......who they are.......how they feel about themselves.......not you......took me a long time to understand that......and sometimes that goes for your family too.....how they experience you or understand you.....or don't.......it is all complicated......but if you can find your way to the unapologetic, non people pleasing you.......there are gifts to be found.....and comfort beyond your wildest dreams......what we must all remember......until we walk a mile in any person's shoes.......we have no idea the battles they wage......or the battles they fought to become them......so we should always choose kind.....choose benefit of the doubt.......choose to greet people with light and love.......but most of all acceptance......but before we do that for others.....we should offer that grace and acceptance to ourselves......magic lies there.....:) Love yourself today, you worked hard to be YOU:)