My sister has been gone 19 years......so hard to believe.....like really......like it was another life, or a lifetime ago......isn't that weird how that is.......I feel like life is lived in chapters.....the before and the after.....and the feelings surrounding them can feel like different versions of you......different people that lived them........for me that is how it feels......distinct points along my journey where I deeply changed......out of a need to do so, after something profound and painful happened......losing my sister was my first giant blow in this life......the first time I was taught that life can change in a moment, and you cannot do anything about it, and that life is not to be taken for granted.....that something so intensely heartbreaking can happen, and all there is to do is sit in the pain.......letting it wash over you......I think I cried for a week straight......that is not an exaggeration......I think that is my grief mechanism........it happened after my ex left too....just rivers of tears......and I suppose our pain is equal to our love......and those tears serve as a way to express that......I remember the funeral director.....who is friends with my parents.....expressing how some people cry a lot and some not at all.....and everything in between.......and it is all normal, our expressions of grief......I think perhaps I expressed fear at not being able to stop crying after she died........and my sister and I had a challenging relationship.....due to our 10 year age difference.....we were close when she was small, but as she grew and as I did, our phases of life and personalities could be challenging at times.....but what was apparent is that we loved one another so much, even if we struggled to fully understand one another......and so when she passed I felt so robbed of the relationship we could have developed as we were growing into women.....and what that would have been like......never to find the answer to that question.....and it was heartbreaking to never get the chance, and having all of that hang there.......unresolved in every way.......and I remember my Nanna saying to me, "Jenny if you knew what was coming down the pike and what was up ahead, you would fold up!" .......and that is true right?? So true.......she had a super challenging life too, one filled with lots of light and sadness too......she was tough as nails.......in every way.....my birthday buddy......my being born on her birthday....and us always "getting" each other......but she was right and wise......I thought of that the other day.....that if someone had come to me before the pandemic.....and told me that we were about to settle into a global pandemic......and described what it would look like....and oh yeah, amid that your husband will leave you, and you will get a divorce......I most definitely would have wanted to "fold up";-) but we don't get to do that right? Or I guess we could....but most folks don't fold up in the face of the things that visit their lives.....they rise....they overcome.......they adapt.......they get used to living in the space after what came to find them......and they persist.......and the human spirit is, in my opinion, one of the most beautiful things there is to witness in this life.......the soul's desire to become whole on the other side of taking a hit to its very core......I for sure have had more than my fair share of those moments in this life.........been through a great deal, more than most of my friends I suppose......but here is the thing.......it isn't worth comparing our lots or challenges.....I remember a point in my life......my 20s were rough.,.......that I felt very clearly that God was picking on me.....and wanting so desperately to be off of his radar....;-) funny to think of now......as I never have felt that since......but I suppose really he was strengthening me......my faith.......my spirit......my resolve........at each turn.......to arrive here......in this spot.....sitting in my favorite chair......in this beautiful house.....typing my blog:) .......my Nanna also used to say that if we put all of our troubles in a bowl, we would end up choosing our own again.......and ain't that the truth too?????.......so today I honor the souls that have walked in my life.....teaching me such deep lessons.....loving me so fiercely while they lived......and watching over me each day from above......and on any given day, despite all the challenges I have faced , I truly feel nothing but blessed!
jperuso
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