I went to a bbq at a friend's house.....I love this friend and love her family too....the kids and I had a good time......but I was struck by an encounter I had while I was there that made me really think......I was sitting at a table for quite some time, and in a natural course of conversation, it came up that I was divorced and the brief circumstances surrounding it.....there was a couple there who met on FB dating....a widow and a divorced man.....and soon after that a man at the table began a conversation with me.....and pretty soon after the conversation began he began sharing how unhappily married he was....and how he had been wanting to leave his marriage for 5 plus years but didn't......yet will soon......and we talked about some other stuff, stuff surrounding life, and life coaching, and a few other things we had interest in, and in common and I moved along......and I suppose I must have a face or vibe for people to share easily with me.....and it serves me well in my life in all the hats I wear......but this felt like it came with ulterior motives.....an agenda.....and the entire time I felt for his wife.....the stuff he was saying maybe was true? Maybe she is a problem in their marriage? Maybe.....but we all know it takes two.....and there are three sides to every story....all made up of perception.......but to be sharing with a stranger, and be not willing to just end it then, or tell her in a real way about your being done was off putting to me. And perhaps it struck a chord......because way back in the beginning of my ex husband's affair I was painted in the most unflattering of lights.......complete lies told about me, bold faced ones..... to make it seem as if it was inevitable, justifiable even that he should have his affair.....I was horrified when I learned of the things he had said about me.....so this reminded me some of that.....and then he messaged me after I had left, found me on FB..... despite only having my first name.....wanting to talk, sharing his phone number saying how much he enjoyed our conversation.....and I left the message sit.....I haven't responded......and it is a head scratcher to me, why a married man would think I would be interested in continuing a conversation beyond the normal bbq banter one would have with anybody that is sitting close to you at a table, in the spirit of socializing......it is discouraging I suppose......and I will respond perhaps today in a clear boundary kinda way.....and put an end to it.........but it is the problem.....unhappy couples need to be sharing their truth with EACH OTHER.....seeking common ground, focusing on fixing it even......honoring their marriage space......being loyal to their spouse.....and giving each other the benefit of the doubt.....I think the disdain I heard in his voice about his wife really bothered me.....I get marriage is tough.....especially when it spans decades.....especially when it is wrought with problems....ones that breed anger and resentment......but still......I think spouses owe it to one another to be loyal about that space.....keep it sacred......and protect one another amid their problems......when you open up that door that is when room for affairs and real damage begins.....and if you are so unhappy, then set the person FREE!!!!!!!! I feel like even though my circumstance played out the way they were supposed to, there is still a part of me that feels like two years of my life was wasted some days.....wasted thinking we were saving a marriage we were not.......and people's spouses and marriages deserve more than that......in every way......either go ALL IN to save it or leave.......but that limbo space is nothing but a breeding ground for additional hurt and problems finding their way in.....I truly believe that......and it is a circumstance such as last night that makes all of dating nerve wracking for me.....knowing there are married men out there parading as single ones........looking for something outside of their marriage.....thinking that is what they deserve......or outwardly married ones still trying....married men have hit on me quite a few times since my divorce.....and it is sad I guess......sad that people don't hold relationships or marriage in the regard that they should......and feeling as if loyalty has left the building.....I have written often about loyalty being the most attractive character trait to me.....it really is......and I guess it is because I possess a supercharged amount.....and seek the same in this life.....somebody that will be as ride or die as I am.....and somebody that would never disparage me to another person.....never.....that is my expectation now......period......so yea it was eye opening and made me think of all of it....and it can all really make a person like me feel jaded some......but I fight that each day:) Refusing to succumb to that kind of darkness......believing that all hope is lost;-) I fight being jaded.....and default to my belief and hope that what I seek exists and that loyalty can be found amid the rest.....ride or die kind......I believe:) Happy Sunday:)
jperuso
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