So yesterday the kids spent the day with their dad here. They had a great day together. I went and spent some time with my family too. It was a fun day! When I got home last night to relieve him, and as we were standing in the driveway, the four of us, I got hit with a tidal wave of ghosts.......ghosts of family past, of the four of us, of our family vibe, our small and sacred space in the vast universe......and you know what it is was rough......it happens every time the four of us are together at some point, and it makes me wonder if it will happen for the rest of my life.........if I will always feel the absence in a moment of what once was......of who we once were.......of a life that I loved, of once upon a time.....and after he leaves and the three of us go inside, into our new life, the feeling hangs around some.......like a grief hangover.........and it really is just a feeling, just a rite of passage through this.......as there is no desire in me to put anything back together...... it is too broken......too shattered to even consider such a thing......yet........our hearts yearn for wholeness........believe it is human nature to want things to be whole and not broken......and especially when it comes to our families......so maybe it is that that I feel in these moments.......an unrealistic desire to go back in time and start again and end with a different ending......one where we live in a home all together again, and live happily ever after........so it makes me wonder if all people that walk this journey experience this loss over and over, on repeat forever and ever.......grieving the living.......tricky territory damn.......I am grateful that we can stand in a space, and be peaceful and kind for the sake of our kids and show them the way.......that when we have the occasion to stand in a space the four of us that we do it well.......that is the gift I suppose......makes me wonder also what the family hangover feels like to him? Does he experience it in the ways that I do? Does he feel the absence of a life in the same ways I do sometimes.......not sure how he couldn't........and maybe someday we will talk about it........give it a voice and share in our common grief.........maybe........but for now due to the complicated layers that he carries, it is up to me to stand in that grief alone......to absorb it all on my own.......and I suppose that it is a blessing in a way that that kind of grief happens at all.....that is means that there is something beautiful there to grieve......that despite the end........despite some recent ugliness, that the core of the four best friends was light and love and worth missing......that once upon a time there was something special that existed in that space, and something that was beautiful and treasured and ours........and a gift in my life........one to be remembered and held in a space in my heart all of my days......."Grief never ends......But it changes. It's a passage not a place to stay. Grief is not a sign of weakness, nor a lack of faith......it is the price of LOVE."......author unknown
jperuso
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