I will never stop trying.......

I will never stop trying for Nick and I to have a functional relationship......a healthy one.....one that benefits our kids......not ever......it is way too important to give up on.....and right now it feels like I am the only one trying with any consistency.....and every once in awhile he joins me in the trying, and it breathes new hope in my heart.....hope that we can be good friends one day for our children's sake......that since we will always be in each other's lives, in my mind there is no giving up.....saying screw it......none of that.....even though sometimes it feels it would be easier......I am committed to that goal.....he and I are always good in front of our kids, and our kids know nothing of the behind the scenes drama that happens......which makes me so grateful.....from their perspective we are doing fine in our goal to be there for them.....and that is as it should be.......the problem still lies a lot in the fact that the air is not cleared at all......still all that heavy smog circling between us.......and to move toward our next version of our relationship.....our evolved space......we need to put the old one.....our marriage.....to rest......and I have been willing to do that......but I am not sure he is.....or maybe he is but is unable to due to where he is at the moment......but it most definitely needs to happen at some point......unless we live with the elephant in the room forever......which I don't think will work for the relationship I envision for us....the one I hope for us......the one that makes our kids feel happy and safe even without their family back together......and each time this idea comes circling back around......I truly wonder if he will be able to do this for me in this life......to face me.......to talk about it all........and to let it go with me.......and I have learned that to fully let it go.......I don't need him.......I don't need him to participate in that part......I have proven to myself that I can let a whole lot go without his participation......and have.......and maybe I can do all of it on my own......I am thinking I can....but a part of me doesn't want it to be that way......I think I deserve more than that.....much more than that that after all was said and done.......after how much of my life was spent loving him........and I hope he finds his way to that place in him that feels willing and brave enough to offer that to me......to not leave me forever with that space.....that longing.....and I have to be honest the desire to talk about it has lessened as time has gone on.......it seemed REALLY important for the first few months and its importance has faded as time has marched on.......but I still believe it is something that would be huge for me, and perhaps set me into a new stage of healing faster than I can do on my own.....maybe.......however I always have my plan B if that never happens......always.....and if he is never able to offer that gift to me in this lifetime......I will still try........will still be kind to him......will still throw a blanket over the elephant when we see each other........will still be friendly to him.........and open for the sake of our children......and truth is it is not that hard for me to do......hating, nastiness, and resentment and all the rest, are just not in me......they are never the place I find myself automatically......so when I extend these things to him it isn't hard......it is my nature and easy for me to do.......even in the face of the horror he inflicted on me.......and I am grateful that it is.....that I don't feel hate in my heart when I see him.....that would be awful......he is the father of my children and will remain that for the rest of our days.......so I am choosing to honor that part.....and be grateful for the times he meets me there........and trust that God is working out the rest, and that what level of closure is meant for me in this life will come......I have trusted this process all along and have been given EXACTLY what I need at every point.....so I have learned that as much as I WANT something.....it will come to me at the right time if it is meant for me........and that helps me just stay true to myself and not worry about what he does, or doesn't do whenever I am able to........but I will never give up.......in the hoping and trying......not ever........it is too important.......my kids are counting on it......