I have loved my husband from the moment we met.....we dated for a summer, long ago in our late teens, a magical summer indeed, full of thrills, late nights and sitting under the stars....all the best things about being a teenager in love.........and then he moved away, and we were unable to continue dating. I was heartbroken then, used to tell my college roommates I would have married him if we had been older, wiser somehow......... and then through a random set of circumstances he came back into my life 8 years later, and from the moment we reconnected we were never apart........not one day, not one moment.......like magnets in the universe........finding one another and never looking back........if you set someone free and they come back to you they belong to your heart right? I believed that, believed our love story so truly, so completely.... I also believe the love we shared on both of our ends was deep and true.....we climbed many mountains together, shared many challenging times, leaning on each other's strength to get through it all....I never questioned my love for him, no matter what our current state of love was through the years, even though love changes evolves, means different things at different stages when you have been together nearly 20 years......never questioned that he was "my person" even when the going got tough, never felt that love isn't worth it, in any form.....a rare gift to be treasured, held onto, respected......indeed......to have love in your life is a gift and should be treated as such......think he agreed, until he didn't......think in the most recent part of our marriage he had forgotten that.....forgot who we were to one another, to our kids, to all of it......believing that something else existed for him, something else meant for him.......trading in "old love" for what feels like "new love".......it is a gamble for sure.....not one I believe he will "win" from.......but a gamble he made ......so as he gambles there are some sad truths I need to hold in my heart.......the hardest one being I know with all of my heart I will love him forever......despite all of it........despite what he has done, despite our end.......I also know I will never be with him again.......that there is no way back........I have never been faced with such a painful reality......to love somebody you know you can never be with again......I know my love for him will evolve again and find a resting place in my heart and soul.....find itself put to rest so that my heart can be open to the possibility of loving again in my life.......but I also know another reality, one that will find him.........he will remember our love again at some point, I have seen glimpses of that recognition in him already, and when he does........he too will have to live in the same truth.......the truth that he will love me forever and can never be with me again.........for him that is one of those things that you can't learn until you laid all your cards on the table....went all in without a way back......and when that moment comes to find both of us, and I truly believe it is coming.......... it will be so painful to tell him I will love you forever..........but never again.........
jperuso
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