Yesterday found the concerns of Saturday getting worked out for me.....taking action toward solving what I could........and Mads came home last night up in her feels about all of it.....Venus Retrograde affecting her love themes too....and she was missing her dad.....wishing he lived here.....and then she said something so sad, and profound, it touched my heart and broke it all at once......she said daddy left when I was only 4, and I wasn't ready mom.......and OOWWW.......it gives me a stomach ache just to type it, and looking into her little face as she said it through her tears, was so painful......and she often remarks about the permanent nature of what has happened......realizing in her wisdom, and with frantic feels that this is her reality, and she has to live in it, her dad is never coming back......and wow that must be something for her to process......it is big enough when we are adults, but from her perspective it is so big, it must feel like a mountain.....and in those moments I reassure her......tell her that I understand.....that I get it....that I am so sorry it hurts her so deeply........and that this is not what her dad and I intended for she and Gabe, and that sometimes life takes turns we don't expect.......the fact that she sees him on Wednesdays now softens the blow for her, instead of waiting two weeks.....she loves her dad and they have a very kindred nature in some ways....they are both goofy and playful in the same ways.....and find the same jokes funny.....and like to play games.....and they adore each other.......and that loss for Mads kills me......the night he left, even as young as she was, right before he came inside to drop the bomb, Mads had been waiting for him. She was lying on the floor pretending to be dead with this elaborate fake play doh eye she had made....she couldn't wait for him to find her......playing practical jokes even then.......so yeah the loss for her has been immense and it grips my mom heart......because just as she can't do anything about it neither can I.....what's worse for me is I wouldn't change it even if I could.....knowing it was the best thing for us all......but she is too young to fully understand that....and for now she just needs her feelings validated when they surge.....and the notion about "not being ready"......isn't that so true......I too did not feel ready for my entire world to come crashing down then either.....not ready........or maybe I was, and I just didn't realize it yet......we are never ready for such heavy traumas.....and we are all met with them.......and the best we can hope for is the grit and wisdom to overcome......and I know this will impact Madeline's life for all of her life.......I can't change that......I can only hope it shapes it in more positive ways than negative ones.......but I am only some of that story for her......so last night I just held her and rubbed her head, kissing her forehead.....and soothing her until she fell asleep......and I looked at her sweet face after she fell asleep, thinking how desperately I wish she didn't have to be hurt in these ways......it is excruciating to me to see her pain.........and the truth is the three of us were not ready.....but I am fiercely proud of the resilience we have all shown......and the life we have created on the other side, just fiercely proud.....and one day my prayer for her is that clarity will find her, understanding, and this will all make more sense to her and she will make peace with it all......I pray that often......and I will always be there to hear and validate her truth......always........
jperuso
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