It occurred to me as I have written the last two blogs about my kids that my beliefs about marriage my be misunderstood by some, and I want to make it crystal clear......I don't believe people should stay in a "loveless marriage" for the sake of their kids.......not ever.......I don't think kids should be subjected to any of that......I don't feel like people should stay together for their kids either.....I feel like kids learn so much by their experiences in their home....having said that though I do think the work that marriage requires should done, it should be respected, and taken on with your whole heart, if there is love there and if you have children.......and because of what has happened I suppose one might assume that I wasn't loved in my marriage, that I didn't feel loved in my marriage and that wasn't my experience at all.....In my experience we were working toward a better version of ourselves, a better marriage for all of our sakes, and working on eliminating some old patterns in our marriage and redefining what we wanted our marriage to be, BOTH of us were showing the commitment to that from where I was sitting.......I now know what I thought I knew to be true must not have been what was happening a hundred percent...that I had been deceived at almost every turn and that I wasn't loved in the way that I loved, that is for sure.....I probably wasn't fully loved in the way I deserved to be either, but to be clear I wasn't living in a loveless space and never did with my husband......we shared a deep love for a lot of years and recently "my experience" from him was a loving one, was an experience that validated my belief in what we were to each other.........that we were in this together.....that the goals we had for our life were the same......that what we were trying to accomplish was the same......I would never have wanted to stay together if I did not believe that he loved me......and that I loved him not ever......I deserve way more than that.......and so does he.......so to be sitting where I am....it is a shock and very confusing......it is stunning to have that experience, not all that long ago and then be here......right here.....in this most uncomfortable spot in the universe.......but it is also a place of peace.....I could not have tried any harder for my marriage and to make it work truly......that is a fact......and being who I am that is exactly what needed to happen.....I had to know that I tried as hard as I could and had nothing left to question......that there was not one more thing that could have been done to preserve our sweet family.....and in the end the decision wasn't mine anyway...it was made by him.....and clearly his experience wasn't the same as mine, if he was able to make the decision he did......even though it seemed very real to me that it was........or maybe it was to to the degree it could be, until it wasn't......I still am still so unsure of so much but maybe one day I will get the answers I seek..... in the meantime I felt it was important to stress that I don't believe marriage should continue if it is not in a healthy space.....and we were complicated no question, but love was never the issue.....never.....so as I move forward in my life I feel like a whole person, a heartbroken one but a person who knows how to love somebody well, I learned that in my marriage by doing the hard work it requires, and I am somebody capable of sharing my heart again one day when the time is right, and sharing it with a person that deserves to be loved the way I do and will love me with the same fierceness and intensity.........love is perhaps the most powerful force on the earth, it needs to be appreciated for the sacred gift it is.....I will always appreciate the love I received from him for most of our marriage and I will always be proud of the love I gave him in return and was willing to continue giving him through all of it......
jperuso
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