Mads is sick again.....I don't even know what to say anymore about this year's illness season.....it is insane.....and it is super tough.....tough to do on my own all of it.....and trying to make it all work.....and missing work and pay........and it occurred to me that I understand why some single moms give in and just have a relationship with somebody good enough to make things easier......one income is challenging.....raising kids alone is challenging.....doing ALL the things ALL of the time is challenging......and I get it now.......I really do......and I don't judge what another woman has to do to make it all work, I truly don't......especially ones without a great support system like I have......but for me personally I am never giving in.......never........now that I have traveled the roads I have.....worked as hard as I have......and put the time and effort into my new life, I am holding out for magic and fierce love;-) I watched the movie "The Vow" last night......it is one of my all time favorites......their love story enchants me fully, and Channing Tatum isn't too hard to look at lol:) but their love was so special, and so pure, and made of such good stuff that it reminded me of my will to endure......to remain single until it is right.......to not give my heart away unless it is magic.....on the wings of yesterday's blog......I am waiting for THE love of my life......the ONE.....may seem hokey to some........or that I am overreaching......but I politely disagree;-) as with the rest of my life, I believe that the only limits reside in our minds and if you can visualize and dream it, and take inspired actions you can have it......and I certainly would not spend anymore time in my life in the wrong kind of relationship......enduring mediocre love.........and I believe I will know.....and it will be clearer now......and my intuition will guide me......but as I was watching that movie and the reverence he held for her, it hurt me some to be reminded of what has been missing all of my life, and in my relationships.......the ability to lean......to just lean in and know somebody has got you, no matter what......I have never had that.......and it is why I am not great at it......doing things for myself and relying so heavily on me always......I have mentioned that challenge before, and how I am desperately trying to overcome it.....asking for help more when I need it, and letting others help and support me......but I want to be able to do that most of all when I find love.....to finally take a deep surrendering breath, and lean in, and know that somebody will be there to support me.....to support whatever life we have created.......equally and fully and with a glad heart......so yes I get why women like me get so so tired......I really really do......and while I find joy in most of it, and love driving my own bus......there are days I am weary of juggling it all alone......but I VOW that it will be never be enough to give in and sabotage the things I want now......not ever.......it is too important to myself and my children.....and I haven't walked through fire to settle;-)
jperuso
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