I have spent and spend a decent amount of time trying to imagine what he is REALLY thinking......beyond the propaganda narrative........in the quiet moments when he is alone in his thoughts.......I have seen glimpses the few times I have seen him, glimpses into his face.......his expressions that I have known so well for 20 years, and I can see the pain, guilt, and shame he is trying so desperately to hide behind his face..........I can truly only imagine the experience he has had since he has been gone.......truthfully it is one I am interested in.......we shared the whole journey of our marriage, until the end, and have been battling the end on our own......with our own weaponry......our own skill set.......and through our own perspective in this life........and I am curious what has been his experience?......like for REAL..........I know how vast and deep the grief was that came to find me.......has it found him too? Has he felt that deep loss? The loss of the three of us, the three people that loved him more than any other people have, in his entire life? Has he felt that? Is he able to run from it every moment of every day........I just don't think he can........I think it would be impossible....and from what I have been able to observe in him and in his new life.........he seems pretty tortured......angry and unsettled much of the time......and for me seeing that in him......brings up so many emotions.........none of them clean lined or easy......all deep and complicated, and depending on my day and where I stand in all of it on any given day......sometimes when I see his misery I think good, you got exactly what you deserve for all the horror you have inflicted upon all of us......and when I am feeling that way it is not my highest self taking the reins, it is my lower and hurt Jenn that wants validation for all he has done............other times I feel great pity and compassion for him.......thinking how he ruined his entire life in the blink of an eye.........but most of the time I think just what a waste.......a waste to destroy a sweet family for the one he has chosen and the dysfunction that lies within........and I hope someday I get to sit across from him, as I have said many times........and hear his side of the story since he has been gone.......hear his perspective, I am sure it is not close to mine.......and maybe there would be valuable things that he would share that would help me have insight too.......maybe.......but there is most definitely a morbid curiosity in that tale, in the knowing and hearing his version..........however to really hear it, and have it matter, it would have to be honest and truthful........and I am not sure he is either, with anybody at the moment......but most of all himself......that is the person he has always lied to the most.........himself.........and ultimately what he has done to his sweet family.......doesn't come from a lack of love for us..........I truly believe that......I believe it stemmed from a lack of love for himself........which is heartbreaking.......I often told him if he loved himself as much as I loved him all would be good in the world........but he just never did........and the finale of our marriage was played out in some self fulfilling prophecy he held all these years........of what he felt he truly deserved in this life.......and that is tragic and sad beyond words.........I do know now, very clearly, that you cannot love somebody if they do not love themselves......it is impossible........no amount of love that you can pour into that space will ever fill it up........like there is a hole in the bottom........a leak........that forces that love to just spill out over and over........all love in this life, starts with the love we show ourselves.......and I owe that to him.........by his making me feel unloved at the end........and leaving.........he taught me how to love myself........the greatest gift anybody has ever given me..........will always be grateful to him for that........always........
jperuso
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