Sometimes anticipation is worse than reality right? At least I have found that to be true most of the times in my life......and this was no different.....I was able to do exactly what I needed to do to pull it off and feel confident and strong in my position in this story......sometimes what we create in the space of our mind and what lives out around us in our story are two very different things......so having said that it also comes down to acceptance and mindset.....I had come to terms with what was happening this weekend.....did my meditation in the morning on "letting go" to get my head straight, worked out and ran, and then accepted what was with my whole heart.....not allowing my disdain for the situation and its parts to stay my focus.....no point......there is nothing to be done, and spending any time in that space robs my peace......robs my joy....and I won't give up those things in my life......I paid a HIGH price for them and I am not going back.....so it comes down to the power I have in the moments of my life.....and what I choose.....I choose joy......I choose peace......I choose hope......I choose faith......I choose gratitude......I choose love.......I choose consistency......and I choose them every day.......so often it is hard to remember that we own the power in our lives......we always have more than we believe....power to find our way amid the heartaches that come to find us.....I strongly believe that......the mindset I choose these days is 90% of the experience I "get to" have in this life.....and it is so powerful that I have learned to catch myself if it slips....if I feel myself sliding I can grab a hold and say no to whatever it is that is attempting to drag me down with it....even if it is unpleasant......even if it hurts......even if.......no excuses.....I don't excuse myself those things.....I just forge ahead knowing the self discipline it requires of me is worth it....for me.....for my kids.....for all of us......and I won't waiver from that position....no matter what steps forward in my path......I have committed from the moment this happened to be authentically me every step of it.....no matter what......be totally unapologetically in "IT".......every step....owning my truth....speaking it.....not hiding it....not feeling shame or any of it.....just coming from the deepest truest parts of me and it feels kinda amazing.....I have never felt more like ME than I do in this part of my life.....I KNOW who I am......I KNOW what I want......I KNOW where I am headed.....however I also KNOW I have mountains yet to climb in the land that is known as divorce....and perhaps for a long time.....another fact that I have accepted with my whole heart.....not fighting it....it just is......and you know what, there are going to be some horrible days up ahead.... that is likely, I am fairly certain of that....however I remain hopeful the hardest days in this are behind us....but who knows.........but you know what all the rest of the days are beautiful and gifts.....so when the rain comes I will honor that.....throw on my raincoat.....tip my face upward and let the water fall on my face knowing that the next day will likely be a sunny one.....it can't rain all the time....I used to love that movie "The Crow"....so so true....my pastor says all storms run out of rain....also true.....so we are not promised perfect days....in a long string....for our amusement.... and let's face it,.......if we had that....... would we really always be as appreciative of them? Hard to say.....but you sure as heck grow in appreciation after it has been raining for some time......that sort of changes your experience, or level of gratitude for the sunny ones.....I am choosing to appreciate it all....rainy days....sunny days.....cloudy ones....overcast ones all of it....because each day I get is a gift, and moves me closer to this new life that has been magically pulling me along each and every day since this began.....an invisible cord between me and there.....and it feels so amazing that I can almost feel it in the now.....almost.....but in the meantime, wherever I am headed I am going to enjoy every single bit of the journey to get there:) Every single bit! AND the kids had a really great day and were very happy when they got home, that is all I can hope for on any given day! They are excited to go out again today. Letting all the rest go......all of it......it is what I must do, to protect my peace....and I will do that every single day.
jperuso
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