I still wonder.......

Nearly two years out I still wonder about so much......so much left hanging in the void......in the space between my old life and the new one.......and I wonder about the internal processes that live in this story......what goes on inside.......I still have not been privy to any of his emotional stuff or able to have a conversation......so for me it is speculation.....I do know him quite well in many ways, so that speculation could be shrouded in truth.....but in terms of true confirmation about stuff, I do not have a lot of that......what I do know for sure, and have written about before, is that light pokes darkness, happiness pokes unhappiness......joy makes people feel uncomfortable......and I really never knew that.......feeling like if you stay in your own lane, people will oblige in theirs......but I have learned that is not the case.......I irritate demons in some folks and have accepted it......it happened inside my marriage......more toward the end but it was a thing......my light and my ways coming under attack, in an attempt to be squashed down to the same space......and other times I would watch him marvel at my light.....be caught up in a moment......grinnign at me........forgetting himself and really seeing me.......really seeing me......but isn't that what we all really want.....to be seen and heard for who we are? Who we are made to be.......to look in our friend's eyes and see the reflection staring back of who we really are......of the person that shows up in our lives in the day to day......and in our family's eyes......to see our selves mirrored the way we want to be seen and heard......and sometimes it is hard.....sometimes the reflection isn't the one we want to be.......and that certainly was the case in my marriage.....at the end my reflection in his eyes was that of a woman I no longer recognized, and certainly one that I did not want to be......I fought becoming her, but after awhile you believe......so when that woman was shattered, and the false her obliterated, and I remembered who I really am......who I want to be in this life the game changed:).......but I still wonder......wonder about the grief he has traveled through.....what that looked like......what it felt like.......what it looks like in his day to day.......no way to be avoided really, even if you try to outrun it.........and how that looks amid the rest of his story.......I may never know.......which is strange considering our history......but ultimately I suppose it isn't any of my business in a real sense......his journey is his.......cemented in his choices forever......and mine is mine......and so it goes......