Ok folks this is a tough one.......I am in zero denial about the horrendous nature of what has been done to me.....no confusion on my part at all.....I get it all fully, have been absorbing every single bit of it......since the moment it happened.......resisting my urge to defend him, to soften the blow of his actions in ANY way......to allow him to live in the truth of what he has done, not protecting him from any of it......no hiding in the shadows for him or me........I have also been totally open about the majority of it, in the most tactful way I can find.....it was so important to find MY VOICE in the HORROR I am currently living in, to speak MY truth, and not to worry about any more than MY RIGHT to do that.........this is MY STORY.....and unfortunately from what I am learning MANY WOMEN'S stories......:(:( The Jenn of not too long ago cared way too much about all of that.....about feeling shame about things that were not hers to be shameful about, to protect somebody else in their journey, and in THEIR own actions.....the Jenn here today feels NO such obligation......not even a little bit....it is SO LIBERATING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!..........however I still WINCE......I physically wince when somebody says something that takes him to task for what he has done to me, and on behalf of me or my kids, it is like being punched in the face.......because my experience with him never felt this way......most of our marriage did not live in this space.......I never felt that I would find myself being horrified at his actions, not EVER.......and that other people would be HORRIFIED at HIS behavior either......I was ALWAYS SO PROUD OF HIM......and to suddenly have people speak his TRUTH to me, because it is all TRUE..... and it is all so ugly, so ugly and true........it stings in a way I cannot even describe......to actually believe that the man I have known 20 plus years has left a final legacy in this dark space.....a LIFE SENTENCE for him........no RETURN, no changing the ending......forever left there.......the truth of what he has done standing in the bright light......it is heartbreaking.....however it is what is keeping me strong too....anytime I slip and begin to step away from that truth, swim in the peaceful calm of a better version of him, one I once knew.......a man that softens my heart in a moment, I catch myself and bring the reality spotlight back around....keeping me honest, keeping me strong.......keeping me on MY path.......I will always hold my husband of "once upon a time" in my heart.....he is the man that will travel all my days in that special place.....the man I was wildly crazy about, a man that was upstanding in all ways........a man I could be proud of..........but the man that has replaced him will no longer, not ever, find a place in my heart in again.....there is no room for him there....there is no space there to give him more credit than he deserves, to protect him in any way.....to offer some sort of explanation for all he has done....truth is there isn't anything that can explain the madness that has occurred, not in a real way any way.......so I will continue to wince for quite some time I imagine, and keep snapping myself back and think OMG they are talking about MY husband, MY husband....can you believe it??? Because I CAN'T! How did I get here........or a better question how did HE......but it is no longer my business in the same way it once was......there is great peace in that, and as in most things like this there is also great sorrow.....he has made his bed, quite literally, and he will have to lie in it..........
jperuso
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