So yesterday at the beach was truly magnificent.....the weather was amazing! I have never seen the sky and water look so beautiful, maybe in my whole life! At least in the U.S.! Maybe the beauty was enhanced by our need to get away.....and experience something fun and out of the norm! But in doing these things it always brings up those things.....and yesterday two things occurred to me......one was the absence of the stress that he would bring to our outings.....I don't think he ever meant to.....or liked that part of him......I think it just stressed him, for reasons I could never understand or figure out and it would trickle down......it poked a place in him that I never understood...... and before long traffic would be stressing him or any number of things that I found silly or unnecessary......and I don't think he ever wanted that to be the case, just sort of couldn't help himself.....but most of the stuff we did had at least one little stressful spot at his hands.....something that dimmed its shine.....and it always made me crazy and sad.....I can roll with whatever is going on and still be happy and he struggled so with that.....and our kids are really good kids, doing stuff is so easy with them, so I never got it........it wasn't always like that totally, but grew as the years went on......so yesterday as I was at the beach.....having driven the kids stress free.....listening to music and hooting and hollering about how excited we were:) and arrived without any stress dampening my spirits......it made me feel grateful, light and happy to not have to help somebody see the beauty of life and moments anymore.....or convince them of the difference between their perception and the reality in front of them.....and I don't say this to be unkind to him....spending family time was still my favorite thing of all time.....even with the price tag attached.....I had just always wished he didn't let that space in him take hold......his experience would have been much different......the other thing that happened yesterday that caused me to reflect was a couple on the beach.....we had taken a beach trip when he was having his affair and I didn't know yet.....and it was one of the most frustrating and miserable things I have ever done.....his behavior toward me had everything to do with that and I didn't know why he was acting the way he was....so I spent the entire time trying like hell and he spent the entire time acting badly and ruining it all........so I was watching this couple down the beach a bit.....and they had small kids......the kids were playing......they were sitting in chairs.....both of them not talking or if they were they were bickering quietly to one another.....body language fierce......mom had her arms crossed and looked so tired....so miserable, but like she was trying like hell......she had packed all the stuff they needed.....and I was down the beach as light as a feather without the weight of any of that.....enjoying my kids, the weather.....all of it........she didn't even seem to notice how gorgeous the day was, she was just so burdened.......I wanted to come up to them and say I am the ghost of Christmas future......just love each other.....don't sweat the small stuff....enjoy your kids....just do that and let the rest go.....I promise it doesn't matter.....or if you can't set each other free, but don't be sad......don't be miserable.....don't let it dim your shine, just don't......life is too short........obviously I couldn't do any of that....but I did want to go up to that mom and put my arms around her and say I see you, I really SEE you.........you are worthy mama, you really are!
jperuso
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