I said what I said.......

It is interesting to me when you go to great lengths to express yourself.....precisely laying down a boundary, backing it up with sound information, and then hearing it mirrored back to you in a spun fashion......one that suits another narrative......and it is in those moments where we can allow ourselves to be manipulated into another space......or stand by what we believe, and do what is right. And my nature is to mend, to fix, to twist myself up to make others feel ok.....to give in, to hear a person out.....to believe.......and some of it has served me......like allowing myself to be wildly uncomfortable, and keep my mouth quiet about stuff for the sake of my children..... and offer nothing but deep support as much as I could while my heart was shattered.....and even though I was suffering tremendously......and I continue to do that sometimes, suffer for the good of the group.....but when a certain point arrives, it is my duty......my responsibility to stick with what I said......and with the truth.....and I am on the outside to some degree, seeing things more clearly than those in it.....and that impacts this so much........and due to an extreme lack of communication......for so long........well here we are......and so here is the thing.....the little golden lesson I have learned on my journey.......is this.......how another person shows up in this story is of no consequence.....none of my business........I need to be concerned with how I do.....and sticking to what is right......and there is so much I want to say.....truly..... but I won't.....I will just say that I said what I said.....making myself clear in all of the ways..........so now the way is more clear.....and my focus will shift onto my role.... and action in this story, and seek to do what is best to the best of my ability......and some days it all makes me want to stamp my feet, scream even, and wonder how on earth my life got here.....and it makes me feel angry at the challenges that find it sometimes.....like hopping mad......seeing other's co parenting journeys around me, and the ease in which they exist......and the shared places, and the friendliness and all of it.....and it makes me wildy frustrated truly sometimes that this is mine.....my story........but more than that.....that isn't quite the way I feel totally, because really it is just sad.....truly.......because the kids are what matter most of all.......and this could have been so much easier if it were not for certain pieces of it.....and influences in it......and now there are choices that need to be made.....or not.....and it is between their dad and I.....it is up to us to do what is right and good for our children.....and I am forever hopeful that that will happen somehow.......that we will find a way to be on the same team again, but for now I rest easy knowing that I am doing my best to do what is right for my children, period......and I want them to see their dad with my whole heart, and continue to visit and do the things.....and I am praying that the other circumstances will work themselves out......and that that is what will happen. And here is my final thing this morning......in addition to all I am feeling and wrote above.....I also feel deep compassion for his story, and the pieces of it too.....I really really do.....that is honest.......I see the challenges and the position he is in.....and I do not envy it.....I get all the complications that touch down in our story.....and I am forever hopeful peace and ease will find it somehow some way......and I am trusting that........Amen.......