This has been the biggest obstacle in this process. This sort of thing has a way of swallowing you up in the ugliness and discontent if you allow it......especially when there are deep issues in the people you are dealing with.......but I just won't let myself be changed by this in terms of my treatment of others.......no matter what.......and truth be told sometimes something happens and I want to just sink to the lowest parts of me, and give into some power play or do some rotten thing in retaliation because I have had it.......but then I find my sense.......my higher self and stop myself. Knowing that whatever I could come up with to do......won't change the situation.......won't make me feel better in the long term........and will only serve to make things worse......so each time I choose the better parts of me and try to lead by example........and sometimes it feels like the hardest thing I have ever done, because I get tired too, tired of the nonsense, the games, the childish acts that flood my life without my choosing........and a part of me just wants to put an end to it......but there isn't much I can do sometimes in a real way to do that.....without hurting my kids........without causing this delicate situation to spiral...........so I refrain and let go.......knowing that calling on my peace and consciousness is the better way....the only way really........because any time I have dipped my toe in the storms of others in this process, I can see extremely clearly how quickly one can get swept away.....swept away in anger, bitterness, rage, destruction all of it.........and none of that is for me.......not one bit of that......I must remain in the light at every turn....stay firmly planted, both feet remaining there and not stepping into the darkness.......and maintaining myself and extending compassion and kindness, over anger and nastiness is what I need to do......I am lucky that I don't have to fight myself too hard to do that, because my natural inclination is to extend those things....it comes naturally to me......even if I get angry first.........even if I get frustrated first, even if I have had it first.......but here is what I have learned..........people deserve our compassion even if their actions are horrid........even if they are behaving in ways that leave us shaking our heads........even then.........because people's actions are a direct reflection of the inner struggle in them, and by coming at them with our own anger and unkind acts we only serve to perpetuate what is destructive in them.......we are not changing another by meeting fire with fire......I think the only way we can hope to bring light to somebody's darkness is by continuing to shine it on them, even if we feel they "don't deserve it"........even if we feel it may be futile at times, even when it requires great strength, even if............My faith tells me that God's love shines on me each and every day, even if I don't deserve it.......and I am asked to share that love with others, without judging whether they deserve it either.......so the way I look at it, is I will never be sorry for trying to shine my light to help somebody I have cared for deeply step out of their darkness.....not ever......and if my light and efforts never yield the results I hope for........or never help........it will always be worth it.........because by focusing so hard on those things and the better parts of me, it has helped me remain in the light too........and not slip into darkness.........and for that I am eternally grateful.........."Be the Change you wish to see in the world" Ghandi..............I plan on continuing to do that...........
jperuso
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