So I was not the one to decide that my marriage was going to end as I have said many times, and it would never have been something I had chosen for myself, but now with the benefit of hindsight I see things much more clearly. I think I had outgrown my marriage and relationship awhile back down the road.......it feels that way to me now at least. But that leaves me wondering about the destiny and course of our lives.......and if divorce is a destined event in one's path? That seems so sad and tragic to me on one hand, and like it can't be.......because marriage is such a sacred and special thing, and to have the end of it already written in the stars before you set out to have a life with somebody seems kinda depressing somehow........but yet in our marriages we grow in our lives and in our experiences, both shared and individual and maybe we don't always grow together.......maybe that is what happens to most marriages that end......the people we become in our lives and marriages suddenly don't fit anymore......don't make sense anymore, and one day you wake up and look at the person you love, and you don't recognize them.......don't resonate with them.....don't speak the same language anymore.......and I feel like that may have been happening for me for awhile and I just didn't acknowledge it......not feeling understood or seen anymore......not in a real way or a way that filled me up in the ways I wanted to be.......needed to be........and our language had become harder and harder for each of us to understand.......and I truly think we began to travel our own journeys, it just happened, and they no longer made sense together anymore.......but yet I would have stayed.....I would have continued to try and make it work, to try and hold it all together.....to keep working harder and harder to find our way..........to keep seeking common ground and meet him there so we could remain till death do us part.......but now I know that that act would have come at the price of stunting my growth in this life.......would have put a cap on how far I could grow so I could fit inside my marriage........so I could survive there......and that wasn't the plan for me......I wasn't supposed to carry that responsibility or burden all of my days......to try and shrink myself so others could feel better......I was always supposed to stretch my wings and learn to fly.......I know that now.....but I still sometimes wish our growth had been aligned.......I so wish that..........and it almost was.......recently we seemed to be committed to growing and evolving and moving forward together.......until we weren't......and then I was doing all those things alone.......and wishing things had gone in a different direction won't make it so......if only it were that easy right? ........so now as I sit in my life I am not in a finite box of possibility any longer......one governed by a leash that only extends so far........so that I can only go to a certain place of growth in my life......now I am in a place that is limitless, and in a place that I can be fearless in all the things that make my soul grow and move forward and evolve........and it is kinda beautiful and inspiring to me.....humbling and magical............and it is such a gift.......even though the price I have paid for it is so high.......I am remaining open to what lies ahead for me, and to the process of growing even if it makes me uncomfortable sometimes and pushes my limits, I know that it will all be worth it.......every single bit of it.........every single day
jperuso
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