I have written of this before.....laying down my ego to allow me to walk in this walk and not endlessly suffer.......and finding the silver linings........appreciating my time this weekend to prepare for Christmas......my kids had a great weekend......they all went to cut a Christmas tree yesterday.....her children too, and Mads got a matching shirt with his girlfriend......they got Gabe an ugly sweater for his Christmas party.....etc etc.......and they sounded like it was a great time......and all of that could poke me.....their doing family stuff together, just all of it......but I don't allow it to........ it requires me to surrender it all and let it go.......shift my mindset in a very intentional and deliberate way.......training my mind to not allow the alternative to get in......to focus on the good stuff......my kids had a fun weekend.....they enjoy spending time with them.....they always get to do fun stuff......and are well cared for when they are there......etc......you get the idea.......it is futile for me to fall into the loss piece or the ego poke or any of it.......and the truth is I truly do not feel resentment or any of those other things. I honestly don't....... As time as gone on I have worked really hard to spend my energy on those other things, so much so that they have become a part of me, and even if I feel a little poke, I am able to feel it, acknowledge it and shift it where it needs to be......because if I spent the weekends they are with their dad feeling sad, resentful, envious, angry, any of that, what is the point of that???? Nothing.......I am just suffering needlessly.......so I choose NOT to suffer, if I can help it......ever......no matter what......I have talked many times of the Facetime I endured early on, a couple days after my ex left us, when his girlfriend got on and was speaking to my children........and I suffered immensely that night.....like somebody was gutting me alive, no exaggeration.......and I decided that night that lots of pain would find me in this story, but that I didn't need to show up for it all......I could choose to disconnect from some of it.....and that was a crucial lesson that I have practiced......that Facetime torture was what catapulted my fitness journey......having my choosing running and exercising, over sitting and listening to their Facetime calls......a shift that saved my life......and sanity......so I take that same principle and apply it to it all.....if I cannot change it, then I need to embrace it, and accept it, and let it go and focus on the good......and my heart truly feels happy for my children, all I want for them to be is happy and safe......and as long as they are happy so am I:) So on the weekends they spend away.....I surrender and trust.......ride my faith train....and let it all go.....and focus on my journey and growth during that time.......and I feel like it is all I can do. Suffering needlessly is so EASY to fall into......truly.......and it is a trap......we have more power in our own suffering than we often realize......and if I begin to suffer I try and catch myself and take a look at the cause.....and see what can be done.....and often times it is a lot.....so this morning I am grateful......grateful for all the secret Santa presents I got to wrap easily this weekend alone......I am finished shopping for what I needed, and done wrapping.....teacher gifts covered and heading into this week in good shape and for all of that and more I am deeply appreciative:)
jperuso
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