This has replaced "Are you sure daddy isn't going to live with us anymore".......Mads will all of the sudden start crying and get panicky and say that "she misses her daddy".......it is different but equally as painful as the other question she asked endlessly.............tears my heart out......every single time.......she is so little and young, and because she is so brave and competent I sometimes forget that...... but I often put myself in her shoes, and how I would have felt without my dad at her age.....and beyond......... and my heart would have been shattered.......last night on Facetime he got to see it......finally......for himself......her sadness and panic......and she kept coming up to me in my room and sobbing in my arms......and then going back to talk to him some more.....she misses him like crazy......they were total soul buddies......kindred pranksters.....all of it.......and there are lots of reasons that she is missing him.......ones that will hopefully get better with time, and ones that won't......fact remains he will never live with us again.....she will never have her dad and mom under one roof.....and that is what she wants......she woke up last night, having a nightmare about my getting married someday she said......not wanting me to ever "replace" her dad.....I always tell her her dad will always be her dad.....the funny thing is they never view his girlfriend that way? They never see her as a replacement or another mom in any way......I guess because they know there isn't a replacement for their mom.....that because I stayed and he left it is viewed through that lens? It is curious though to me that Madeline obsesses about the thought of my dating, which I haven't even done yet, yet doesn't have any connection to her dad living with another woman? Kids are interesting in terms of grief.....how it comes.....and what they allow to get in and what they don't........not sure what they think of his girlfriend, I never ask.......I stay out of that part, not imparting my opinions or thoughts to them at all.........or sharing how I feel about her........but she most certainly misses her daddy......and will probably all of her life, and that makes my stomach hurt.......that she will long for us to be reunited, transformed into our family of four probably forever and forever.........and despite us both loving her fiercely, that wish will never be granted for her.....not ever......there is no way that will ever be again.....and it hurts my heart for her...... and it hurts me that she has to have this be a part of the fabric of her little life already.....at such a tender age......but we don't get to choose the heartaches that find our kids......we only get to guide them through it......I tell her how brave she is all the time.....and how she inspires me......and how it is OK to be sad.....it is OK to cry and breakdown.....that it helps heal us when we cry and let our feelings come.......and that I am sorry that this is how things are......but that our lives will be beautiful and happy and we have lots of adventures ahead.....but it doesn't help my mama heart not break each and every time I stand in her pain with her......it never gets easier.....never.....and it probably won't......but I also know adversity comes to us......wearing lots of different costumes.....and it is meant for us......whatever form it chooses.......it shapes us......molds us.....and makes us who we are meant to be in this life......so if I trust that for me.....I must trust the same for my children......trust that has much as I hate that they have to suffer.....that this is meant for them in this life......and what will come down the road for them will be beautiful.....and they will take this adversity and transform it.......as I have done.....I believe that......so in the meantime I will hold her......rock her......stand in her sadness and grief with her.......tell her it is OK......that she will be OK......on repeat.......
jperuso
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