There are things that hit me at times that stop me dead in my tracks and make me wonder how he does what he does sometimes.....and when we do that it is because people are all different and to understand somebody's actions we have to be able to stand in another's shoes.....understand where they are coming from.....and sometimes I can do that.....but often times I cannot.....one thing that goes through my mind nearly everyday.....while I am driving HOME.......is how he is able to drive past the turn to our road, where his children are, where his life was, everyday, and go to where he lives now......his new home......it hits me so hard when I think of it......because it is impossible for me to understand it or put myself in his shoes on this one......because I think even if I had hated him......which I most certainly did not.....I could not have left him and our kids, and continue a life and feel good about it....not ever.....I certainly could not drive by our road everyday.....and not DIE every time......but yet he does it......every single day.......and I wonder what goes through his mind sometimes......because truth is, I don't know much of what he FEELS at all.....like really FEELS....not all the girlfriend game business.....but the actual real stuff......and I wonder.......does he hurt......does he feel awful.......does it poke at him every day......hard to say.......now I know marriages are not expected.....nor should they continue if either party cannot commit and cannot be happy in it.....I am not implying he should have stayed at all costs......to avoid the drive by scenario....certainly knowing what I know now.....when I react to these things it is to react to how it was all done and what has occurred......or not occurred since he left that would make these things much different....much better......much healthier for everyone......but still I always come back to the fact that no matter what.....there would be no corner of the earth.....and certainly no man's house on this planet, that you would find me without my children......I would never leave them.....no matter what.....not ever...and I guess what makes me marvel so too, is that I thought he was the same as me in that......that he held that space sacred too....at least that is what he said.......turns out he didn't......he doesn't.......he wasn't who I thought he was at all.....and maybe that is the biggest head scratcher of all.....one I will never reconcile all of my days........the one that hurts me the most.....to believe in a man.....to adore a man......that just didn't exist......except in my heart and mind......or once upon a time.....but certainly not recently.......and all these questions haven't been in the forefront of my mind for a bit....more of a fleeting thought here or there, but they have been really predominant the last few days.....so I felt I should give them their voice.......I guess too, for me, what is so so hard to come to terms with....and maybe always will be........is what I believed my understanding to be of my husband and what he was actually capable of at the end......I cannot explain that fully....when you think you know somebody better than anybody on the earth.......and then they do something so shocking.....and continue to behave in such shocking ways that it sets your whole world off its pins......because the truth is.....I have changed.....a ton....... since he has been gone....but I am still Jenn......he can still count on certain things from me.....like I am going to take great care of his kids.......I am going to do the right thing whenever possible.....I am going to treat him with decency......not pull any dirty tricks.....not play games.....be fair.......you get the idea......I don't live under any such comfort......NOTHING about him is any longer recognizable to me since he began this relationship.....NOTHING.......and that is kinda horrifying, I have to say........I only see glimpses of the man I knew sometimes......he is definitely still in there, but he is not honoring that man at all.....he is serving this other man most of the time to make his life easier......appease her.......and he really doesn't see what impact that is having on his life.....YET......but I know he will.....so these things I marvel at......the things he does that I do not understand.....I know I probably won't ever understand them.......and I accept that.....and here it is though......this maybe is the lesson in it all.....as I write this.....it isn't for me to UNDERSTAND......his journey......it just isn't.......we are not each other's people anymore......I don't have to try and make it make sense.....because it just won't....not ever....his journey is his.....mine is mine.....and I am certain he doesn't "get" mine either.....so when these "marvelings" come to me, I need to get better at laying them down....and accepting that I just won't understand......not ever......and learn to lay these things down for good.....and most days I am getting better at it.....I really am....it comes in and I let it go.......and each day.....my goal is progress not perfection....on repeat!:)
jperuso
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