This is his battle cry when our kids ask him questions about why he did what he did......Gabe often asks him this question on Facetime "Dad did you make the right choice....the best choice?" And he responds this way.....and that answer never sits right with me......never settles in as an adequate answer.......doesn't feel honest or true to the full extent it should........However I feel I cannot fully dismiss it because it ended up being ultimately the best choice for our family.......100 percent.......if he could not be honest, be content loving his family, and fully doing the work I thought we were doing to create a marriage we both really wanted and needed, and was planning on continuing to exercise his demons, then most definitely he had to go.......my issue with that answer though is that he didn't know that at the time.....he didn't know that his leaving would affect me in such a profound way and ultimately end up blessing my life......he never wondered if his kids would survive it, or even think too much about that I am sure......so when he gives that answer it really is bullshit......it just is......he made a decision he felt was BEST FOR HIM.......not for our family, and in turn, after much pain and suffering that the three of us endured, it will likely be better for all of us in the long run.....and most certainly is better for me in the meantime........I also wish he would not say that because I am sure the kids are thinking how can any decision to not be with us every day be a good one? Which is valid for sure......I confronted him once about saying it......he denied saying it.....but Gabe mentioned it last night again......However in all fairness I also know Nick likely doesn't know what to say??? What could he say? ....... And that maybe he thinks by reassuring them it was a good thing it makes it sit better and I get that I do.......because what should he say? What I did was incredibly selfish and I wasn't thinking of you guys at all.....I wanted to honor what I thought were my needs and do something that mattered to me, and wasn't thinking about all it would do to your mother or to the two of you very much at all..........which is the truth.....that is where this "great decision" began.......focused on him, HIS NEEDS......WHAT HE WANTED.......WHAT HE FELT WAS BETTER FOR HIM......not US........but I guess maybe he cannot even say that out loud yet to himself, let alone to our children........so he continues this answer over and over......thinking it is healing......and it isn't........I feel our kids already feel it is bullshit too.....they both have expressed and shown many times the way they feel about their dad's decision to leave......and they don't feel it was the best thing for sure........but these are one of the times fighting this battle isn't worth the cost......his relationship with them is his......what he says to them to some degree is his own......I can only make suggestions if given the opportunity which will be taken or not......I don't think saying this to them is a good one.....but he obviously does........I do the reassuring in the day to day.....letting them know that their dad is crazy about them and loves them fiercely.....and he says those things to them too.....when he has the opportunity to..........and I hope that is the message that is getting through the loudest......but I know with my whole heart there are ghosts that will haunt him from this time in his life for the rest of his life.........I just do...........when they are older.....particularly Madeline........he will have to pay for this time in his life dearly......and I have done my best to prevent what I see up ahead, and try and help him see it and my attempts have been futile.......so that is for him to learn.......he is clearly on a journey too.....one very different than mine......with different lessons and things to learn........I hope he does.......I hope he allows himself the transformative part of all he has done to come find him and change his life for the better.....but if he doesn't.......I am learning to accept that too.....
jperuso
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