I wrote about control in yesterday's blog and wondering what role it plays in my dislike of the custody stuff.....the disdain I feel.....and it is a curious thing.....it is a battle I have waged within myself forever ......I do my best to plan, prevent, play defense whenever possible in life to attempt to execute my goals and dreams, and it is a skill that serves me extremely well.......and in this process, this journey, I have had to learn to LET GO......like A LOT.....and as my whole life was falling past me a the speed of sound, I could not grab much of it to hang onto......it was all gone.....like dropping an expensive ring on the edge of the ocean and watching a wave come and sweep it away under the sand and surf before you could grab it.....gone forever.....and it was very difficult to have my relatively orderly life feel so so out of control.....and through this process I have learned that there are still some things I can control.....healthy things that make this walk bearable......I can control how I show up in this story.....my actions....my attitude.......I can control how well I care for my kids.......I can control how well I take care of me......I can control my daily habits........I can control how I choose to walk through this chapter of my life.....but there is a bunch of things that I cannot control.....and in the mediation the other day some clarity came amid my heartache......so much of what Nick has done I have had to let go of......I don't care about much of what he does these days, like at all.....he has become irrelevant in my life in most every way.......I told the mediator if it weren't for my children I would cut ties with him completely, never speaking to him again....and I meant it.....but certainly what I do care about is how he shows up for our kids and the dad he chooses to be.....and the mediator gently reminded me that I cannot control that, that I cannot look for the old Nick anymore, in so many words......and she was right.....I had realized that early on very clearly and let so much of that go......but it is an easy habit to fall into........to want him to do the things that I know he should.....and to try and make that happen.......even though he isn't......so I have to catch myself.....what kind of father he is, or isn't, isn't any of my business in a real sense anymore and that is maybe the toughest thing to let go of......he is going to be who he is going to be in this story as I am who I am......and that just is.....and as long as my kids are safe and loved when they see him, which they have been, I have to let go of all the rest......all of the rest of what I think he should be doing in terms of them, or in terms of me too, after all these years......and I am learning to do that, better and better each day.......more faith, less control........because truth is we don't have much control in this life in the ways we think......but we most definitely have some control as to what our experience looks and feels like when we are here......I do truly feel like he is free to do whatever and live his life now as he sees fit......and I truly do not care in the ways I once did.......he is on his own path.......learning his own stuff hopefully......as for me, I now know that much of my control stuff was poked by way of the dynamic we shared....having to hang on for dear life to some things because other things felt so out of control.....and now I know what will and will not bring that part of me forward.......and I know clearly that I am steering clear of a person that would summon that pattern in me.....these days I am peaceful not feeling that gripping feeling of trying to keep it all together in fear it won't........I let go of a lot.......I have faith in my day to day......I accept what is......I also plan.....I am also as proactive as I can be in most areas of my life in attempt to live the life I want to live......so the mediator reminded me of something super valuable....she understood completely my position, and she reminded me that the only thing I can concern myself with is the kind of mother I am in this story......that is it.....and for me that is enough......and I will continue to show up as I have, and put my kids first above all else....and make them feel fiercely loved and protected every single day.......that I do have control over:)
jperuso
Comentarios