I have spoken of the lovely hue that hindsight casts over our lives.....illuminating all the places that were dark before....covered in denial.....love.....or both......but as hindsight takes hold nothing is hidden any longer.....everything sits in the bright light.......once upon a time he was crazy for me and I for him....like the kinda crazy that captivates a person....swallowing them up.......we had so much fun with each other and just adored each other......and I remember a part of our marriage.....maybe in the middle where he was trying pretty hard to love me and reach me....and I feel like it may have been kinda hard to.....it was after we had Gabe, and he had cancer, and I had lost some folks that meant a whole lot to me....and after each traumatic blow I retreated further into me......holing up inside to try and cope and deal, and not being as present outside of myself as much as I wanted to or needed to.....and he truly was trying......trying to coax me out and I wish I hadn't had so much on my plate and heart, and allowed myself the luxury of leaning.....never my strong suit....I do much better relying on me, and I know I need to learn better how to do that.....and after that period there was lots more that happened to us, and more stuff thrown our way and we never fully recovered I don't think......I remember being worried for us back down the road..........but we had moments in the sun along the way.....really beautiful spots.....but it is a regret I hold....I remember that time so vividly and what he was trying to help me understand, and just what I couldn't in that moment, in that space and time....and ironically as flawed as the last three years of our marriage was, I was totally present in it....full in.....walking alongside of him and showing up, and I guess that wasn't what he was looking for in me then.....I had returned to him and our marriage in a real sense, more present......long before his affair began but our communication had broken down and some demons took hold and complications occurred etc......and I am not sure we could have gotten it back on the road ......that is another sad piece for me.....just how many hits our marriage took....we faced so much adversity and trauma and I wonder if things may have fared better, or been different if only......and again no point, because here we are....but just curious I suppose......sometimes I wish it hadn't been so intense for so long....because the beginning had been so light and fun.....and easy.....just much easier.....but as we travelled the road got rough......and I always thought we would find our way on the other side of all of it and find smooth sailing again.....but it never seemed to settle out.....and then things changed.......he changed.......and when he began his affair we were actually in a great place, it felt that way to me.....things felt settled and calm and I remember saying that to him, "like what you needed to create some sort of drama because we were sailing along so smoothly?" We had had a quieter few years and had welcomed sweet Mads....and I felt all that trauma and stuff was behind us......but I was wrong.....so very wrong....so when I think of our marriage I am aware of his role in the end.....and not just in the finale.... but the spaces in between.......and the parts of our marriage that he owned his part in.....but I had my parts too, despite my trying......and I own mine too.....and now I know better.....and will do better moving forward in my life.....knowing my patterns and things that don't feel like me anymore, but most of all who I never will be again......not ever.....I don't think we always summoned the best in each other, at certain points, there was a dynamic between us that was challenging...... and it seems so tragic because we really did love each other deeply at one point....like really loved........I felt he was the love of my life......now I am not so sure, perhaps that guy is still out there somewhere;-)......but in the meantime nothing can be done to change the past except to look at it, and be honest about your role in it, and then move on to the beautiful future ahead, better equipped than you have ever been:)
jperuso
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