Bits and pieces of this realization have come to find me and I have touched on them in my blog but it all came together for me this past week......I have mentioned that the energy that has been out there the last few weeks has caused me to go within, and do some work on some stuff that needed to be done....and I have arrived at a pretty powerful epiphany related to it all....After my ex left my belief was that he should not have had the relationship he had, and he should have stopped it, and truly worked on his marriage.....I now know that that was impossible.....my own life since he has been gone, has shown me as much.....it has shown me that while we possess free will.....I believe that.....I also believe deeply our lives are a journey, one with spots along the way, and people we meet that change the trajectory of it.....and that I cannot sit here and say..... that I believe my new life was destined, and feels so good, and all the things I feel and say, without saying his was too.....that meeting her was inevitable for him.....and I am sure now that the feelings he caught for her initially, while exciting must have been a little horrifying too.....more powerful than him....I get that now.....now I still stand in the position to disagree with how it was all done, and with certain things that happened that didn't need to, for him to live his truth and for me to live mine......BUT there is a larger part of me that fully understands and forgives it now.....giving grace to his narrative.....knowing so clearly that our lives are destiny, and serendipity, and divine appointments, and that symphony I always speak of, where the instruments come in, at the right time to have their say......and you cannot help who you love.....love is so powerful......and I do think you can protect your marriage in a way that doesn't leave it vulnerable to others.....but I don't think you can help who you fall in love with and when if it is supposed to be part of your story.....and if you are seeking it out that is a separate issue....but in his case he worked with her and it just was.......and now it is crystal clear that our story was to end when it did, and their story was to begin.....all of the evidence since showing that so clearly.....I never would have this life, and have become a life coach, and have woken up fully to all the things that I have, without his leaving and falling for her.....and while it makes me sad some that our trip in this life was not meant to go the distance, it just wasn't.....and part of it he couldn't help......I know that now.......my life has shown me that too......it feels really deep for me to think of it all this way....sort of like nothing that happens to us is an accident, or any of it....it is a catalyst to propel us forward to the places we are supposed to be....and there are not victims and bad guys in stories like mine.....there are people living their truth and their journeys as they unfold.....his affair was cosmicly orchestrated.....no question......I got him that job where he met her, and even after everything happened, I never regretted it......it was meant to be, even if it hurt like hell........and I understand it was meant for my kids too, as heartbreaking as that is....as it will be a catalyst for their lives and growth too....so it begs the question.....the one that asks if now that I know that, and feel all of that so deeply, if that knowledge can bring me closer to full forgiveness.....I have forgiven so much along the way....and resisted resentment and anger taking over....focusing on my new life and all the good that has found it.....but putting all these pieces together and feeling all of this so deeply now brings me closer to that for him......he aligns much more closely with her than he did with me anymore, and certainly would now.....and typing that doesn't hurt me......it just is......people outgrow one another......and I believe some people are supposed to meet their person in this life and live happily ever after....little old people hand in hand with one person.....their lessons arriving through different themes....and some of us are not in that camp......our lessons arriving some through our relationship themes.......but all of it helps me know that attaching to all of it is futile.....that when I do have a relationship.....I won't be fearful of them cheating, or leaving me, or loving another.....because I will know that whether that happens or not, it is a part of my journey, and a part of theirs......that you cannot cage people.......if they are meant to stay they will......and if they want to leave you cannot make them stay.......so that is freeing for somebody in my position.....to know that this realization helps me reconcile that trauma.....and know that I won't bring that with me because my belief has changed fully.......if somebody is your bird they are your bird......and nobody can take them.....and if they are meant to leave, nothing you can do can stop it.....both notions freeing in all the best of ways! ENJOY your day off y'all:)
jperuso
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