So I feel I have arrived......yesterday he came to the house with his girlfriend to drop off a few gifts for the kids......and we were all outside, in the driveway.......and I have known for quite some time that my feelings for him in any sort of real sense were long gone.....months and months back down the road.....due to his transformation, turning my love light off for him......for good....remember being shocked then by that.....never thinking it could go out but yet it has.........but I did always wonder if I actually saw him with her if it would feel different.....turns out it is the same....nothing.....like a couple I don't even know......total strangers, irrelevant to my life in nearly every way.....all of us around the kids did not poke me in any way.......didn't feel territorial about her interactions with my children in front of me......I felt nothing at all....just a keen awareness he is not my guy.....and hasn't been for longer than I realized.....just not somebody I would care to do life with any longer......not somebody that makes any sense for me at all......not a person I would seek out as a part of my life or journey.....early on I was afraid I would always love him, and know I needed to stay away from him for my own good.......because of my self respect.....and now I know that isn't true.....he has extinguished my love light for him fully and totally.......and I feel nothing around him now......I suppose I will always care some in terms of his being the father of my children.....I will always want him to be OK.....to be his best self for our kids......but beyond that.....it is gone....all vanished in the explosion.......and in the dust settling afterward......evaporating into thin air.......no pang in my inner soul.........just void of all of it......if anybody would have told me that my heart would be able to not love him this time last year......I never would have believed it.......not even close......yet here I am......and I am grateful.....so grateful that I don't have to feel any sort of way about them and their relationship when it is in my face......and will be now.........that I would never want to be her again, not for even one second......that my life is exactly the way it should be......filled with peace, joy, and life....... and real LIVING......and PURPOSE.......and I am sure he feels the same.........that he is living his life the way he wishes now.....on his terms.....and that they share things that unite them.....things that are just not my things......and sometimes that is all there is......to free a person......because you can't be the person they need in their lives as much as they cannot be what you need.......there were times in recent years that it was exhausting for us to be together....never quite seeing eye to eye.....not able to communicate our feelings and point of view, just all of it.....just not quite meeting in the places we desperately needed to.......and that exhausting feeling has left......I am not exhausted anymore.....energy for days......and the levity it has given me has been an enormous gift......like to truly have peace and harmony in my life in the wake of it........hard to describe the gratitude I have for that.......but it is so so interesting to live half of your life with a man who is now just a stranger......and feel no connection at all......just empty space.......and is sorta sad..........but I guess it tells me healing has arrived......true and glorious healing......completely letting go of once was and ready for what lies ahead......it means my heart is clear of him and ready for what is next......ready for new love someday.........and I am grateful and ready........:)
jperuso
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