Ouch right? No bravado here, but truth.......BRUTAL truth......This is going to be a tough one but I promised to release what comes.....let me first say that there is a version of my husband I do miss greatly....however that guy hasn't been around for awhile if I am being honest.....and the guy that had been was somebody that drained all my energy and definitely didn't appreciate all the energy I spent on him the last couple of years, even though I thought he did.....he was also clearly extremely dishonest and lied all of the time........curious how when you are in something your perception differs so greatly then when you are out......when I close my eyes and imagine him here with us again, I find I wouldn't want that EVEN IF I had a magic wand to wipe the last thirty or so days away.....shocking right? I know! I was shocked too! I feel FREE for the first time in such a long time......free to do the things in my life that light me up......free to not have to support another person on their journey, a journey that was destroying me.......if it had been taken as the gift it was, used as the gift it was, appreciated for the spirit it had been given, I would not feel that way.....for I am a "ride or die" in somebody's life, good, bad, and ugly.....unless you show me something about you that you can't take back, that I can't UNSEE.......and once I see that in you it is truly over......never to return again.....and that is what happened......I saw something in him I cannot UNSEE and it made me SEE all the things I wasn't seeing.......all the deception, and all the lies........Now having said all of that....there is a whole decade of our marriage that I do miss terribly, where I don't believe that any of the things that were happening lately existed during those years........that was my guy........and that is what hurts me in the night when I lie awake looking at the ceiling, that is the part that takes my breath away, makes me cry so hard it hurts.....that human was my heart....the man I loved with my whole heart......my home.......I keep wondering where he went, when did he quietly go out the back door.....I didn't hear him leave, didn't feel him go......didn't see the other man come in.......didn't know he had traded his soul to become this other version of himself, one I will never recognize, no matter how hard I try to......however I have no regrets about any of it for I am standing in the exact spot God decided I should be standing in......right on the beginning of a new, bold, and beautiful chapter of my life......and I am glad I don't miss him.....the recent husband......sorry my kids do so deeply though....that is so hard to watch......truly heartbreaking......and the sting of that will never fade......but my sting is lessening with each passing day......and something that broke my heart, certainly has fixed my vision......
jperuso
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