Even though the suffering of my kids slays my heart.....and even on the other side of all the pain and suffering I have endured......I do not think any couple should stay together for their children.....I don't think that that is what is best for anybody......so I feel like if he wanted to go, he needed to go, if he did not want to be in our marriage any longer then that is what should have happened....because I DESERVE more than that......and so do our children.......but what I react to in the moment is all of the circumstances of our end.....it was wrought with such deception and false hope.....I was truly made to believe we were headed in a completely different direction, and that his heart was on a different path......and to find it was all smoke and mirrors still hurts me......to know that all those months of marriage counseling were a waste in terms of our marriage and moving forward, because his affair was raging on alongside of it, even though I didn't know.......lets me know we didn't stand a chance......not even close.....so even though I do not believe any marriage should remain for children.......I also believe you should truly fight like hell until you can't for them......try your best to truly make a way especially when there is love there.....there was love between he and I......always.....and I would venture to bet now.....we have been in deep places......forged together through deep waters.....that stuff doesn't just evaporate......but then you introduce people's baggage......their demons.....and it makes it so hard to climb over them to stay the course......the ending.......the months......the years......leading up to the end could have been done in much better way......a way that honored all of us.....and the aftermath too......but when things are shrouded in deception and lies at every turn, and there is no willingness from a party to actually move forward in a real way......it can't be done in the space of a party of one.......I can only do my part.......remain kind......compassionate to the situation he has created......remain supportive of him to our kids.......remain open to coming up with some sort of solution to have him see them more often......to do all those things and more......but if I am never met in that then there we stand.......spinning and spinning.......I would never have wanted him to stay here.......if he didn't want to........I would never have wanted him to pretend even more than he was, about what his true intentions were.......I would never have wanted any of that......I am grateful I got cut loose.........at 45........not 55.........to continue my life on my terms........to find the love I deserve.........to find somebody that loves as I do......ALL in........RIDE OR DIE......LOYAL for life........HONEST........KIND.......HAPPY.......MOTIVATED...........FUN......ADVENTUROUS.............PEACEFUL.......DECENT...........ROMANTIC.........FUNNY......OPEN.......all those things and more.......I never would have wanted to remain caged in a marriage that was eating away at me......making me anxious........scared........sad.......uneasy......all in the shadow of an affair......such a toxic shadow to throw over a relationship........one you can never get out from underneath.......at least for me........so this was the better choice in most ways.......it is the method I always react to......there is a difference........I want anybody reading my blog to understand the difference......the difference between my feelings related to the circumstances.........vs my feelings about marriage and the conditions......I wouldn't have wanted to live a lie any longer.......I wouldn't have wanted to not be fiercely loved any longer........I wouldn't have wanted to work so hard any longer to no avail......I wouldn't have wanted to stay in a relationship......where I am not loved and adored.....ANY LONGER......I just would have wanted to be treated with respect in the end......respected for what I have been to him all these years............respected for the love and compassion I extended to him in light of his affair and brokenness......the love I freely gave to him always........any of it......but we don't always get what we want.......but most certainly always get what we need.....and I needed to be FREE......really needed to be FREE.........
jperuso
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