We have all heard that phrase or perhaps heard somebody say it.....and for me it was one of the realizations I carried away from my marriage.....the realization that I "deserve more".....even though I wasn't the one that ended it, and I sometimes wish that realization had visited me sooner, and I would have been the one to leave......I am still grateful the realization found me......and I think once it does.....you can lose your way sometimes, but that realization will never leave you.....like a north star....righting the ship when things get blurry......a quiet croon in your heart, desiring to be treated the way you deserve to be treated.....once and for all......and it is easy to say "I would never" then fill in the blank.....like I would never stay with my husband if he had an affair.....I have heard that SO many times from people........and I probably believed that myself until I didn't......and maybe the conscious realization of the I never part never found me.....because the truth is I never expected him to have an affair.....never....and maybe he didn't either.....and I certainly would not have expected to deal with all I did after that, and sacrifice my self respect and not seek what I deserved......completely losing myself in the abyss of the affair.......but until you are faced with such a thing....watching your family implode....and thinking of all that will be lost.....facing your young children.....I don't believe you can ever say never......and maybe it is the word "deserve" that has always given me pause......like what do we all deserve really?? Life is life right, wrought with complications and setbacks, and triumphs and beauty, and everything in between.....so where does deserving come into play?? And where I think it does come into play is in the people that love us......we deserve to be treated with respect.... care....kindness.........empathy.....grace....understanding......calm......and so much more.....and I guess for a long time I did not realize that.....now will our people always show up that way.....no I guess they won't..we are all human, subject to our human stuff.......and that is unrealistic.....but should we expect that we mostly receive that from them and feel safe in their energy.....and be able to be ourselves completely.....I believe now that that answer is resounding yes........but I didn't for so long.....and it is easy to lose yourself.....forgetting what you deserve......putting other's needs above your own....but that is never the way to peace.....to happiness....to joy.....this I have learned.....choosing yourself can feel selfish to a person like me......but choosing yourself is paramount to perserving what it is you want in this life.......I was recently recounting some to my mom about a few things she didn't know that I went through at the end of my marriage....and I was horrified at what I allowed......just horrified.....in disbelief from where I sit now that I allowed what I did.......but I suppose at that time I believed that is all I deserved.....I must have......and maybe more than deserving it all, I believed my willingness to fight so hard for my marriage and family was noble.......no matter what......and I don't believe that now....you cannot fight for something that is diminishing you or destroying you.....nothing is worth that......so now I know.....and will forever.....never forgetting in this life.........that I deserve more......and seek to have people show up in my life that love me with that kind of spirit......knowing that I deserve more too;-) Happy Friday!
jperuso
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