There is a new song out called " I call on me" and when it comes on it resonates.....and yesterday had me thinking a lot about it......Venus went retrograde and yesterday was a tough day for lots of reasons.....lots of planetary juju afoot.....;-) surrounding love, and love themes, and work to be done in that regard....but as the energy has been coming, I have been deeply examining my life, and where I am headed, or want to be.....the ways in which I want to be loved....and the scars I carry.....coaching women that have had similar experiences is amazing.....and healing to me in lots of ways also...... however it also provides food for thought after a session......and the truth is that most people are more comfortable, or ready much sooner to have a relationship post the apocalypse of their lives and believe in all of that more than I do at this point......and I don't mention it to judge.....more as an observation and comparison to myself......and sometimes I feel like an alien lol:) And wonder if I am too cautious, and too lots of things......going on a date is kind of a big deal to me, all of it is.....and there is another part that makes me feel so sad for myself when I think of it all......I have been relying on myself for SO long......that I don't know any other way.......I see people trying to share lives.....learning to lean in, and let somebody love them, catch them......all of it...... and all of that feels super terrifying for me......even in a casual sense......I feel safer in my fortress, relying on me;-) armor up.....shield and sword.....knowing that that is the safest bet........and I know that isn't a forever solution......I get it.....and that it isn't super healthy to feel that way......and I am working on that......and when the right situation comes along I will learn to do all of that....maybe;-) hopefully! ......but I suppose what I react to, and why I am sharing is that that notion feels foreign......like the furthest thing from what I can imagine.....and maybe being on my own this long has solidified my independent nature...... I am wildly independent......have been for as long as I can remember......and the last 2.5 years have only made that part of me more pronounced and stronger.....and while I believe it is good in so many ways......a gift......it is a stumbling block to the other things I want in my life too.......a double edged sword if you will;-) and I have mused about this before.....knowing who I am....I don't put the weight on all of that relationship stuff that all my single friends do.....having fun doing me.......and I wonder if that is wrong.....I have a specific situation I seek.....something that would feel right to me, and if it isn't that then I am ok......so there were lots of Venus themes abounding yesterday.....and if you remember Venus had touched down in June and brought a situation to me then, I was working through issues related to that situation too.....it is a lot to unpack.....and old themes coming up......and as stuff comes I believe it is our duty to look at it and work through it.....seeking to glean the wisdom that is available in facing it all.......dating and loving in your 40s is a different experience for sure.....so yesterday I licked some wounds......kids are with their dad....I binge watched some silly TV......meditated......was good to myself......listened to what my soul had to say.......today I plan on getting up, and exercising.... find my way to the woods today......because the fact remains......I am on my own at the moment......and the fact that "I call on me"........is a powerful one......because I know I never let myself down......and for now that is enough:)
jperuso
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