This is a tricky one.....if you would have asked me before this happened if I "LOVED MYSELF" or if my self esteem was good I would have said yes....I believed it truly was......and I guess it was until it wasn't.......The journey to the end of us had to absolutely happen the way it did, I see that maybe more clearly than anything else. BUT if I had loved myself more, or in a much healthier way before I found myself here the trajectory would have been way different.....and it leaves me curious about the reasons for that.....like why didn't I love myself more at certain points along the way???.....what stood in the way of that????......hard to say.....and where does our idea of loving ourselves originate from???? Where do we learn the best way to love ourselves??? I have some ideas but am for sure not certain......somehow I believed that other's needs were ultimately more important than mine in nearly every single sense........every single circumstance.....and I suppose I still feel that way most of the time about my kids....which I think is a tender balance that all moms walk.....moms and kids have thin lines that separate their individual souls.....most of the times those lines are blurry at best and if it is between a mom's need and their kid's.....you get the idea......and that is just fine with me.....always has been, and likely always will...... but through this situation I have learned fully that my needs have to come into view.....become a priority in a very real way......for the rest of my life.........and I am learning how to do that.....I am also learning how to REALLY LOVE MYSELF maybe the first time in my whole life! Kind of an amazing thing really....because I am guessing if I can get it right there wouldn't be much more I would need as I journey along......and in this magical life........and if somebody comes along to add to that love and bring their own sense of self love than that could be a truly special adventure.....maybe the greatest adventure yet.........made of all the healthy stuff......but finding people that truly love themselves is tough these days.....so many influences tell us otherwise.....point to our flaws, our shortcomings, our faults.....all the places where we don't quite measure up........I challenge you if you are reading this, and by the way if you are thanks so very much, it means a great deal to me...:)...but if you are reading this......I challenge you to think about what ways you show YOURSELF LOVE.........what part of the pecking order would one find your needs???.......I bet if I asked you how you show others love you could make that list easily....probably with your eyes closed......but making one about loving ourselves....well that is much more challenging........impossible for some.....yet so important.....because IF I had loved myself more.......anyway no point in all of that because truth is when you know better you have an obligation to DO BETTER and I am doing just that!
jperuso
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