I haven't wanted to utter this aloud for fear that it is not as it seems.....so much of this is confusing and emotionally charged, and all of it comes and goes so often it is hard to trust the spot you are in on any given moment.......however I am in tune with myself much of the time, and my own emotions, and I feel I am turning a corner.....leaving some of that excruciating, take your breath away kinda pain behind.....and finding my way to a more manageable place.....a place where I can catch my breath.....I am not naive enough to think that as I journey ahead that "other kind of pain" won't come to find me again, sparked by some heartache I haven't even imagined yet.....however I think the standing in that kind of pain all day part has passed, my days recently have been much more peaceful....calmer......and not nearly as painful.....I think part of it was my realizing that I can choose some stuff in this horrible situation that has been thrust onto my lap.....I can decide what parts I choose to participate in......decide what storms I want to deal with, wars I want to wage, and ones that just aren't worth it......I am staying mindful and checking myself, and deciding if whatever instinct comes to find me will be for the greater good......if it is for the greater good I move forward, but if it will leave me depleted......absorbing more hurt............I simply don't do it......I said early on that I do not need to swim in any unnecessary pain and I mean it.....I don't.......I also have to let go......of nearly everything these days.....my old beliefs....my old life.......my ideas of what should be happening vs what is.......just all of it...... and in that letting go comes that wave of peace......it allows me to just float......catch my breath......look at the sights around me......realizing when I look at all the beauty around me, my kids, my support system, my blessings, my strength, my health, my home, just all of it.....I am reminded that those are the places I need to look at......that when I begin to be swept away that I need to just return to watching my beautiful life unfold......and guess what that is what I AM CHOOSING.....and even though I haven't chosen much of what has happened to me in recent months....I can choose how I walk through this life, through this chapter of my story, and I get to CHOOSE how I behave.......AND what my kids are seeing in me.......and to some extent how I experience all of this.....and that is SO POWERFUL.......I suppose it is the same for anything we encounter in life....we get to choose and so as the pain lets up some I am eternally grateful that I have a chance to catch my breath.....to feel the relief in that.....for as I have said this is most certainly a marathon not a sprint.....I am pacing myself........
jperuso
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