I have learned so much......absorbed so much......discovered so much......understand so much more........however I am only human.....and subject to gritty human stuff all throughout this journey......and some of this is just so damn hard to rise above in every minute......it just is......and I feel as if there are constant traps set in my path.....threatening my peace......peace I sought so hard for......and when I come upon them, I am normally able to step over them and regain my peace pretty quickly.....but every once in awhile......one gets me hung up.......I am only human right?.......I have tried so hard in all ways in my life over the last few years......like in ways I cannot even describe.....and then forget the hard work I have put in in the last 8 months.....clawing and fighting my way out of the darkness and into the light.....it was truly a fight for my life and for my soul, to not let myself descend downward, letting it all win over me.......was not willing to surrender to all of that.....and I have fought so hard......and there are things I know I should not let get in at all......because who cares.....really......and most times the answer is nobody, and certainly not me.....but then my heart steps forward, and my heart is still wounded sometimes, and hasn't caught up with my mind.......my body......my soul......that heart, she is stubborn.....and is still so so hurt by all of it......can't believe it......really.....still.....and as the story continues to unfold the heart stuff gets more complicated still as it pertains to my children.......not to me.......my heart has disconnected from him and his in big ways.......the only part that remains is the part that cannot believe how he continues to hurt my heart......just continues to in ways that don't need to be......so as I said I am only human......a tender hearted one at that........not used to living in this state.......of adversarial stuff.......of low level nonsense........of any of it.......like a foreign country......truth is I would never invite people into my life that behaved the way they are, and never continue to have them in my life.....yet to some degree I must......no way around it......because of my kids.......and those are my human moments......the wishing.......the subtle railing I do......wishing for another ending......a solution to the ugliness.......and the traps......but that is futile......as is most of the things that poke me.......there is no point........understanding.......sense.......awareness has left his building.......and what remains is startling in every single way.......completely opposite of who he once was............another place my human self shows up......to just be in awe of the changes......and still feeling that deep disorienting confusion.......at how this could possibly be the same man........and it isn't just me that is experiencing this shock and awe......nobody thought this could happen......nobody that knew him......that loved him.....ever expected these things either........so my human condition is fragile sometimes.....more than I want it to be......but it is real every single day.....and willing to walk through whatever the day holds......with strength.......patience.......compassion........joy......peace.......hope........love.....and gratitude.....no matter what......and I long for the day that my heart......my injured.....some days indignant heart.......catches up to the rest of me......and finds peace with those human things......is able to hone its ability to move through it with only a minor hiccup......I know that day exists up ahead......and it will be worth all the struggle to make it there......all of it....and in the meantime I am grateful for the many days I get to experience where I am free of him completely......where none of his stuff gets in and I get to just LIVE my life......such a gift:)
jperuso
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